Working on me....

I have been away from the WA board for awhile, reading but not posting much, trying to figure out where I am in this crazy thing called life and workaholism. Coming to my new job (or rather returning to my old one) has been a godsend. At first I pretty much shut down and did only what was asked of me. Not being creative or proactive at all. I really think I was “healing” from the over work and job stress of the last year. Maybe it was work avoidance to some extent but I honestly did not have a lot to do the first 3-4 weeks. I was getting everything done that was asked of me and leaving promptly at 5:00. I have yet to check my work email from home. Even though I know I am not getting a deluge of emails at this point, not checking is HUGE for me.

A fellow WA poster wrote in a recent post

“It feels for me like I am going through a "withdrawal" - similar to withdrawals I felt in other programs. This program is helping me slow down - way down. As a result the feelings have chance to appear.”

While the first few weeks I mostly felt numb, the last 2 weeks I have felt edgy and fidgety. “Was I doing ‘enough’ at work?” “Was I catching on fast enough?” etc. etc. The interesting thing is that instead of worrying about it I simply checked in with my boss and one other person I work closely with and both told me I was doing fine. Something in me accepted that, maybe not totally integrated it yet but I let myself me OK with it.

I have also scaled way back in my overdoing outside of work. I have only been going out once a week and once on weekends. I have been (more) diligent about my yoga class and about reading. I am trying like hell to get off the computer by 9:00 at night. I could be on there for all hours. Instead I have been reading and maybe watching a movie I have been meaning to see. I also want to get back to journaling more.

The week of the 19th I am starting at 25 session engagement with a reiki therapist. She is the woman I baby-sit for who just got her Master’s Certification in Reiki training and needs to do X number of hours. I strongly believe in the energy of the world and how this can be an aid to my inner reflection. She has encouraged me to come up with a positive affirmation that will help me focus on what I am anxious about. I am borrowing a book from her that will help me decide what a good one that “feels like a fit” for me is.

So things are definitely going better and thus I have been “away from the actual steps of the WA program” but yet I feel like I am working on myself, the deeper issues in different ways. Working in realizing and internalizing that (1) I am worth the good that comes my way and (2) that I have abundance in my life that I need to learn to appreciate etc.

I am working on working it. I guess I am just doing my searching and fearless inventory and have taken a step away from the formal inventory to do some things that I believe will help me progress in my steps when I return to them specifically.

The one thing that makes me nervous about all of this is that I do not “feel” like a workaholic any more. I know things are easy now so that is probably why? Is it possible to only be a workaholic when you are at the wrong job? God I know that is a ridiculous way to think but when things are going well I am not sure how to stay aware of my workaholic side and continue to be diligent to it.

Peace

More thoughts on working, success, addiction to work

I do not think that a person has to be all person A and B as someone listed them as needing to be mututally exclusive in all areas (this came from someone who posted on the WA boards).

I do think people can have a balanced, connected, calm, patient, humble, giving, lives in the here and now AND also be intelligent, successful (rememeber it is HOW you define success) and accomplished (again it is all in the definition I feel accomplished if I stretch meditate and do my yoga 3x a week). Maybe the person who posted it did not literally mean that it HAS to be all one or the other but it was something that popped out at me; especially when it comes to intelligence.

In fact, once you get past a family income of $50,000 per year annually, there's a slight statistical trend toward unhappiness - this was in an article on "Happiness" in Time magazine a while back. I also got this fact from my therapist.

I would debtate this to a point. While I agree money does not equal happiness, not having enought cover bills or debt can equal unhappiness If you have a lot of debt (student loans, consolidation loans etc) and owe over $15,000 a year towards this debt. I would be happier with more money - not to buy more but to get out of debt. Being in debt makes me sad, depressed and more down on myself than almost anything else.

Are you running toward additional accomplishments, or running from failure?

Away from failure.

What happens if you stopped bein successful? What would you lose?

Pride in myself and ..... have to think about this more.

Are you afraid of becoming poor?

YES!

Of being rejected?

No not really. I know my family and my close friends love me and that has always gotten me through. Sure it stings when a work thing doesn't work out but it by no means sinks me.

Of becoming ordinary?

I am ordinary and I am ok with that! In fact I kind of like it. It is comfy.

Do my parents care if I am accomplished or not?

My parents motto has always been as long as I am happy that is the best gift I could give them. They do believe and have always instilled in me that I should be able to support myself (any illness or hardship withstanding)and be a contributing member of society. Beyond that what I have or do if it makes me happy they are happy and proud of me

Do my kids care if I am accomplished or not?

Don't have any at the moment or maybe will not. This is a major point for me - will not having kids make me less somehow. This is a biogger topic than I want to get into here and now

Does my Dog care if I am accomplished or not?

Hell she ADORES me and keeps me sane. THere is a quote that I have in my cube at work "My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am". I love that.

These are points that I found very helpful to chew on for today.

**************************************************************************

Someone then responded to my post and asked the following questions

Did you grow up with a threat of being poor? What does being poor mean to you?

NO I did not grow up with teh threat of being poor in the least bit. We (my brother and I) were always well provided for and had toys and clothes and such that we wanted. My parents were very fair with money and we earned an allowance for household chores.

For me this stems (I think from post college). My parents paid for my undergraduate college education (I am so lucky for that). It is my own fault that I racked up so much debt over the years from 22-28/29 when I finally declared personal bankruptcy. Now I still have my gradutate student loans, my husband has his student loan and my
husband and I have 2 car payments and lowish credit card debt with a consolidation loan we had to take out post his college.

I realize that all of this is "normal" and that millions of Americans live in much deeper debt than I have. But I hate it. And we are pretty much week to weekers with our checks because of it. We are trying to do the right thing, put our student loans on hold to pay down other debt etc. But it still scares me that I will never
get out of this pattern.

I have at times taken on 2nd jobs but don't feel that would be the right choice for me at this time in my recovery. I do babysit one day a week for 2 hours - heck it gives me gas money.

As I write this I realize that I said I was afraid of being poor. I am well above the poverty line.

I guess what I fear is being financially unstable forever; I am not poor financially. I have always been able to earn a living and have a job so the chances of me being POOR are slim.

I need to work on my financial stibility and spending habits but thank you for questioning this and making me see that worrying about being poor is probably not where I need to spend my energy.

Just GO Away

I know that right now this blog has been mostly about my workaholic stuff. I have been opening up more about my moods and depression on my public to everyone and even public to some friends in real life blog and I got what I expected and onslaught of "OMG I had no idea you were feeling this way?" "Are you OK?" "You have to look on the bright side of things, and count your blessings" emails.

Don't get me wrong I appreciate so much that people care but I am just in a place where I KNOW I will be ok I just need to be able to write it out - even if it is repetetive and boring to others. I said it in my most recent post I want to get back to using my blog as a journal to explore me and my thoughts and my life and less like a house for memes and entertainment things.

So yes today I am in a crappy mood. Tired itrritable and I want to stangle someone i if this rain does not stop soon. To add insult to injury here are all the other things that are weighting around.....

my car is going to cost me $400
and adam is feeling like we never see each other
and I feel like I never get to see my friends
and my sister in law is being difficult
and it is STILL FUCKING raining
and Chris got voted off AI
and Marley pooped yellow

*grumble*

#16-20

16. Do I justify my working hard by saying I play hard?
I don't play hard. I work hard and then I relax hard (some times it is acutally "crashing" but other times it is genuinely relaxing). I do know I need chunks of alone time to maintain my balance. When I am feelign stressed I don't like to go "dance it off" or be with large groups of people. I like to be alone or one on one.

17. Do I consider being called slow, lazy, or inefficient terrible insults?
To be honest I have never been called these things. I think I would find being called lazy the most insulting. Slow vs fast it is all relative. I get impatient with people that are slower than me. But at the same time I have extreme patience with those who are "justifyably" slower than me (Not necessarily in the world world) but the elderly, the infirm or disabled and children. If someone called me inefficient I would ask them what a more efficient way of doing XYZ was in their opinion.

18. Do I set unreasonable goals? Am I proud of them?
I put unreasonable pressure on myself to always have it "under control" and at a "manageable state" Personal goals I have gotten better with. I want a house but realize that it will come in due/good time when it is meant to. This doesn't mean I don't still feel frustrated at times but I have gotten better at accepting things as they are. Except financial struggles that is the one area that is still hard hard hard for me.

When it comes to goals i.e. what I will get done this weekend. I have to say I have gotten MUCH better. I still make lists like crazy but its OK if it doesn't all get done. I used to think I had to keep a perfect house (like my mom) to be successful. Now I don't think that so much. I still clean like crazy before having a party or before having my parents over but not obsessively and the house usually needs it anyway. I do wish I could get more done around the house (i.e. cleaning the blinds and washing the curtains) but I have come to realize that I work full time and I can only do so much. Honestly when I do look a the dirty blinds I wish they were clean, but I don't want to spend all my not at work time cleaning either. I guess I can get a little lazy like that.

19. Have my co-workers become closer to me than my own family?
In many ways yes. It is easy to have quick non-work conversations with your co-workers because you spend so much time with them. The often "understand" what the trials and tribulations of work are more than a family member can. They can sympathize with you more without you having to explain it all over again.

The itnteresting thing is that often times when I explain it to someone outside of the work environment, how over the top the work is, or how late nights are getting to me, they usually look at me and say something completely rational and simple like , "well you better talk to your boss about that." or "You better cut back your hours or you will get sick". As right as they are it often makes me want to cringe because I feel like they do not "understand". It is always easier to give advice than to take it.

20. Am I proud of my perfectionism?
No because I do not feel at all like I am perfect. Most days I feel like I am tettering on the edge of getting it right or somedays just feeling like "how did I get here?"

#11-15 - Part III

Part III - # 11-15

A month ago I was in a job where I was responsible for deadlines, budgets and keeping clients happy. I did not have the correct resources to do this and I believed that the company was backing ridiculous demands from its clients instead of backing its employess. Despite all this I did not want my projects to fail and would work relentlessly to do all that I thought would help.

Now I am in a job where part of my being in a better place comes from being new and not having my own responsiblities yet. I can't fix what is not mine and I can't be blamed for something going wrong on a project I do not own.

On a bigger and better level I think I am in a better place because (1) there is 1,000% less negativity at my new company and people are not festering in being miserable by they are overworked and over work by choice (2) I feel more stable in benefits and long term security (3) my position is a new one and will be evolving over the next 3-6 months so if - and this is a BIG IF - IF I play corporate world correctly I can make sure that what gets put on my plate is manageable.

This is the part that is worrisome. I cannot really use the "if I say yes to this then something has to come off my plate rule of thumb" because I am starting with an empty plate. So I have to see what evolves and be very aware of my boundaries in combination with my endless internal need to please.

Hmmm all good food for thought. One day at a time. One very consciously lived day at a time.

More insight into #11-15

My parents and I have talked about a lot of this. They are very supportive of me In every way. My parents are CONSTANTLY saying "all we want is for you to be happy", or "your happiness is the best gift we can get." It is very true that "they are much more humane and forgiving of [me] than [I am] of yourself," as a fellow WA said.

This is my biggest struggle-- I know that other people accept me for who I am, forgive me my faults more easily than I forgive myself and believe I have a lot to celebrate. Yet I still challenge it all all the time. For example being the sole provider for two people while my husband went to school IS an accomplishment I should be proud of. But yet there is some feeling on my part of "where would I be now if I didn't have to do that?" I didn't HAVE to do it, I chose to. I think this gets into a deeper issue of me accepting where I am in my life at this moment and valuing it for what it is rather than wondering what if's?

Celebrating my accomplishments - yea I should do this more and I think once I can believe in my own successess then I will be able to do this better. Work on one to get to the other so to speak.

As for delegating work that is something that I will have to try out in my own life since right now at work being so new I am the one being delegated too. Which as I said is fine with me. See the thing is I am not out to climb a corporate ladder or be on the cover of FORTUNE magazine.

All I want is to do an honest days work for an honest day's pay. May sound like a simpleton's viewpoint to some but I work to get paid not to as you said: "to grow a business or job bigger."

As much of a Workaholic as I can be I don't work because I enjoy it or because I want to achieve greatness through work. I work to get paid. There are 25 things I could name off the bat that I would rather do with my time that I think would be worthwhile and more in line with "ME"; the crux is that I have a level of financial responsiblity that I cannot lower at least not right now.

So for now the balance is to work a manageable week (no more than 40 hours) to allow myself enough time to persure what does interest and grow me in a way that I enjoy. In a perfect world the two would align. In reality it is a balance.

#11-#15

Continuing on my journey of the WA inventory. This set of 5 questions seems harder than the previous sets so far.

11. Do I feel the only way I could get my parents' approval or attention was by accomplishments?

My parents have always been very verbally and otherwise supportive of me and always acknowledged accomplishments, they also very much also acknowledged my trying of anything even if I hated it and stopped doing it. Their only guideline was if I wanted to try something I had to do it for the season or period of time that it existed and give it a fair chance and not stop a soon as I though I did not like it. For example I was DYING to play the clarinet in 4th grade. They bought me one and within 4 weeks I hated it, but I had to finish out the semester then I could stop. Fair enough I think.

I have always known my parents loved me and are proud of me, even when I feel least proud of myself. The ironic thing is I feel some pressure by that. Letting my parents down is something that I don't want to do. I don't think I consciously strive to avoid it but its there. Unlike my brother who has a solid salary and can afford to give them things but does not spend much time with them (relatively speaking he spends a heck of a lot more time with them than many sons of people I know). I can't give them a lot of material things but they don't need that really anyway, they can buy what they want for themselves. I want to be there for them, for my mom as she struggles with having to put her mom in a nursing home etc. But in the same vein I do want to be able to help take care of them as they get older - which does mean financially. Ah this is a much bigger post than just for here.

12. Is my home an extension of my workplace? Do I arrive home with a load of work and talk only of work?

It is hard to say right now. When things were bad at my last job the answer would have been a resounding YES. Even when I did not come home with work talk it was on my mind - somedays I was even too wiped out to talk about it. In all of my jobs I have made friends so I do come home and tell stories of so and so at work, but they are not work stories necessarily.

Now that things are better at my new job I don't bring home work physically or mentally right now, I have to keep working to keep it that way. One thing that I have found helpful so far is that I have been taking the bus to work instead of driving. It seems to give me a better chance to make the transition. Maybe it is because I can get lost in my book or just in watching the people around me.

13. Do I celebrate my victories or am I rushing to my next accomplishment?

I am ALWAYS looking for the next best thing in my life. So beore I finish one task I am thinking "what's next". I am the same way in every area of my life. I have been working a lot lately on "living in the moment" and "finding pleasure in what I have" rather than placing my happiness on getting what I want because I know as soon as I get it I will be thinking what next. I think this comes from a need to prove myself - to who and why - I still am not sure.

14. When I am with family or friends, is my mind preoccupied with my work? Am I present at my own life?

Again a month ago at my last job I would have said yes my mind was almost always preoccupied with work. I think it is hard for me to answer these questions now because I am in the early stages of a new job where there is not much that is my responsibility solely so it is easy to leave on time, and be present in what I am doing outside of work.

15. Do I have trouble delegating? Do I believe I am the only person who can do a given task right?

I hate delegating but yet I always say "when is someone going to make this easier for me" whatever "it" is - well that is rather irrellevent. I want it easier but I don't like to have help to get there. Financial help is one thing, I have needed that at different poitns in my life and I can accept that kind of help, especially when it comes from someone who I know it is not burdening to help me out. In fact I kind of have a "I deserve a break" attitude that I think allows me to be fine with this kind of help.

Delegating always raises the question for me that it would be more work to show someone else how to do it and then check their work than to just do it myself. In the short term this may be true but in the long term it could be hugely helpful. Once example is our household bills - for 6 years I did them all - partly because my husband was in school and I was the one working. They became MINE. At some point juggling peter to pay paul became annoying, probably because I started to see things failing (I mean falling but both words work) through the cracks; FINALLY after 6 years I "let" my husband take on 1/2 the bill responsibilities. It is still hard at times because we do things VERY differently but it does get done. I am still pushing myself to not ask "did you take care of X" etc. but it is a start - one that I see as pretty significant to me.

As for delegation at work - I have always said I do not want direct reports. As much as I take on responsibility for others when I do not need to I do not want to have direct reports to be responsible for. I co-work with others fairly well and can let the other person do some of the task, especially if I know they come to the table with more knowledge in the aread than me.

Coming off my 9 Month Adrenaline High

I am a workaholic. But this week I have not overworked - not at my new job and not outside of the office on personal things.

I have been getting to work at 9, after reading my book (which I have not "had" any time to really do over the last 9 months) on the bus ride in. I have noticed more little things such the amount of moisture in the air each day as I walk to the bus, how my neighbors daffodils are growing backwards - most likely toward the afternoon
sun.

The new job itself is going well so far. It is always hard to tell for sure the first week or even the first month. I have two "tasks", parts of projects, to accomplish. One by end of day Friday and one by sometime next week. Being new I am collaborating heavily with others as I learn the process; and to be quite frank. I am taking a rather leisurely pace toward getting the thing for Friday done. At one point I found myself thinking, "I should take the earlier bus in to get a jump on this". Then I thought "Why" no one has any expectations that it be done sooner, why start setting them now?

I know things will get busier and as I get my own projects I will have more on my own plate. But I am trying VERY hard to set boundaries that I can stick to when the load ramps up.

The thing is. THIS ALL FEELS WEIRD. I feel better, physically, mentally and emotionally but I also feel out of sorts. Coming down from the adrenadline overdrive that I have had myself in for the last 6-9 months has been hard. I keep thinking "Wait I need to...." and then just as suddenly realizing that there is nothing I NEED to get to that urgently.

I get home at 5:45 and think "huh what to do with myself". I need to recalibrate my gears and leisure time priorities. It's an interesting place to be in.

I have been able to DO work and not race around like a lunatic catering to obscene client demands and attending 25 meetings a week.

Like I said I know it is all new,things will pick up and I will always and forever have to be working on the steps (which I am still so new to) but I can say at this point I am VERY happy I made the change.

What I do not want to happen is for me to "feel better" and start slacking on working the steps. I will be posting the next set of my fearless inventory questions soon.

Exploring #6-10 a bit more

To explore #6-10 little more. Question for more insight posed by Karen at WA

K: I'd take this a little further. How do you feel about being alone? Does it make you anxious? Do you feel the need to fill the silence? Do you only like alone time with yourself when you are DOING something? I'd recommend digging a little deeper into the neutrality of enjoying your own company.

I am OK the majority of the time being along. I can easily sit with music and candles and just let my mind meander. The only time I really feel anxious is if I feel there are things to do but there are always things to do so I can pretty easily (honestly) put that aside for awhile at least. I love to lie on my bed in the summer with the window open and just listen to the sounds outside. I love to sit outside in the big field where I take my dog and watch her bound about in joyfull dogness. So I do think I really am Ok at being with myself.

K: It sounds like you might think that you have to have accomplishments to contribute to the world. Can you think of ways you can contribute but not necessarily accomplish? Can you think of people who have contributed in less tangible ways? Who do you want to BE?

The short answer is I want to BE a happy person. I want to do more vounteer work with animals working for a dog resuce or shelter. But that is contributing and accomplishing at the same time. I am giving of myself but helping the animals is an accomplishment as well. I want to BE well read. I want to BE at ease in my own body. I guess I am having a hard time understanding what you mean when you talk about contributing in non tangible ways.

At one point for about a year I found great peace in attending Buddist studies. However I attacked it with so much zeal and overinvolvement that I eventually burnt out and left the classes. I remember that being a challenging time in my life but I also remembering feeling great peace whenever I was at the Buddhist hosue/temple and around the people there. I am still wondering if I should go back or if my real spirtuality lies in the Christian realm