Failure Defined

My definition of failure is falling short of living up to expectations, whether expectations are mine placed on me by myself or those placed on my by others. The former is much more of a challenge for me than the later.

Failure = not feeling financially stable (being able to pay my bills on time, put a little into savings, be contributing to a 401K and be able to buy something $100 or less without having to do a major restructuring of the monthly budget and fearing it will mess up my budget for the month).

Failure = not being able to say with certainty where I stand on wanting kids. I do not see it as a failure not to have kids I see it as a failure to not know.

Failure = not owning a home in the next 4-5 years.

Failure = my rash decision to go get my grad degree because I was bored and now I owe $400 a month in student loans

Failure = not holding down a job; getting fired; not being able to support myself

How have you failed in the past?
1. Got myself so far into debt I had to declare bankruptcy.
2. Made a rash decision to get a degree in something I will never do (teach) and now have heaps of loans for it
3.Equated sex and attention with love and ended up with herpes.

Do you feel that you've failed more than the average person?
I am not sure I feel that I failed more than the average person but I do feel that I have struggled more than the average person.

Do you feel that you're a failure now?
At this precise moment yes. I feel like I can’t keep my anxiety/depression in check. I have come 360 degrees back to the same job I was at a year ago. This in itself is not bad. Having had to go to two jobs that were awful I see as a failure on my part to have made the move in the first place and also to not have known better.

I have herpes, although not life threatening, which is my fault and makes me feel broken and less than my husband deserves.

What probability do you assign to failing in the future?
50/50

What are the consequences of failure?
Not finding a 'place' where I can be happy.
Being dependent on others.
Letting others down

How would you survive, handle it?
Some how I would survive; I always do. That is part of my problem. I always survive. I survived cancer, anxiety, depression, herpes, financial struggles, bankruptcy, a rocky start to my marriage. I am a survivor. I have the Chinese symbols for survivor tattooed on my lower back over where my kidney was. It means a lot to me that I am a survivor. It means I am strong but at what cost. I am tired of being strong. Quite frankly I am tired of caring but I as tired as I am I just do not have it in my makeup to just shut down.

I can see my self as a failure at times, quitter never. I just don’t know how to quit.

Are these questions making you anxious?
Somewhat. None of this isn’t something I haven’t thought about 100 times before.

Steve you asked the question “How many people do you think get through their entire 40 year plus working career without getting fired?” I would be interested in that statistic. I might try and do some research on it. I think getting fired would horrify me. I have had friends and co workers get fired and in most cases I think no less of them at all (except when there was good reason for them to get let go).

Steve wrote:

I think we learn more from our failures than we do from our successes. If you think of it that way, as a learning experience or rite of passage, acceptance is easy

.

Acceptance is not easy. God it is something I struggle with every damn day. After learning to let go of control, accepting myself is next in line as the hardest thing.

I know I need to a learn from my mistakes and move on but acceptance is NEVER easy for something that you regret.

I just want to say that I could have easily put the “therapy” spin on all of my answers. I hear questions that others might ask but you know what? I am tired of the therapy spin on everything. This is how I feel.