Sign Sealed Delivered and Out the Door
To sum things up since my last post. I got the offer letter in writing, which was just a formality since I had already given my notice anyway. I rode out my last 2 weeks and my last day was yesterday.
There was way too much unexpected emotion inside of me in leaving my job today. I have wanted out for so long that I thought it wouldn't be hard to leave. I can honestly say that I genuinely like almost every person there. How is it that I can say that and yet the company as a whole makes me mad with frustration? How can a group of such great people end up in/create a culture that is so toxic?
More importantly how could I get so caught up in it? Not just the workaholic part. I am what I am and the company just encouraged me to grow my workaholic-ness and intensify it. (If that sounds victim-y I do not mean it to be I know that my behavior is my responsibility I just could not find a better way to phrase it.)
How could I get so caught up in the nasty gossipy, he said she said, the reason things are broken is his fault or her fault talk? That is NOT who I am and NOT who I want to be. Aside from being completely wiped out by the overwork, this negativity was one of the reasons I chose to leave.
Yet despite all of this with each goodbye I felt (not "knew" but felt - somehow I see a difference here that I cannot articulate) I felt that I was wrong to be leaving.
One goodbye, from a Director level person who I have worked closely with, side swiped emotionally especially hard. He oversees a department of about 15 people (almost all Workaholics). He said to me, "I shouldn't be saying this, especially being in the position I am but I want you to leave knowing that every single person in that room (his groups room) loves working with you. As a Project Manager, you see the bigger picture of the company and the people and the teams and you do not
make it just about schedules and bottom lines and dollars." So why then I ask myself, did no one (a) fight to get me to stay and (b) why isn't anyone in a positon of power demanding changes be made so the good people stick around?
We all know that no one statement like the one he made to me is no son to stay but damn I was sucking up that approval. I felt like I needed to hear it, that I earned it. It is something that I do beleive about myself on some level logically in my head...but I don't believe it in my heart. To be honest I think I was getting a
high off of it.
But is that so wrong to feel great knowing that "Yeah I am a good project manager"? Where as workaholics do we draw the line when is approval well earned and praise is good and when is it just "feeding the beast?"
There was way too much unexpected emotion inside of me in leaving my job today. I have wanted out for so long that I thought it wouldn't be hard to leave. I can honestly say that I genuinely like almost every person there. How is it that I can say that and yet the company as a whole makes me mad with frustration? How can a group of such great people end up in/create a culture that is so toxic?
More importantly how could I get so caught up in it? Not just the workaholic part. I am what I am and the company just encouraged me to grow my workaholic-ness and intensify it. (If that sounds victim-y I do not mean it to be I know that my behavior is my responsibility I just could not find a better way to phrase it.)
How could I get so caught up in the nasty gossipy, he said she said, the reason things are broken is his fault or her fault talk? That is NOT who I am and NOT who I want to be. Aside from being completely wiped out by the overwork, this negativity was one of the reasons I chose to leave.
Yet despite all of this with each goodbye I felt (not "knew" but felt - somehow I see a difference here that I cannot articulate) I felt that I was wrong to be leaving.
One goodbye, from a Director level person who I have worked closely with, side swiped emotionally especially hard. He oversees a department of about 15 people (almost all Workaholics). He said to me, "I shouldn't be saying this, especially being in the position I am but I want you to leave knowing that every single person in that room (his groups room) loves working with you. As a Project Manager, you see the bigger picture of the company and the people and the teams and you do not
make it just about schedules and bottom lines and dollars." So why then I ask myself, did no one (a) fight to get me to stay and (b) why isn't anyone in a positon of power demanding changes be made so the good people stick around?
We all know that no one statement like the one he made to me is no son to stay but damn I was sucking up that approval. I felt like I needed to hear it, that I earned it. It is something that I do beleive about myself on some level logically in my head...but I don't believe it in my heart. To be honest I think I was getting a
high off of it.
But is that so wrong to feel great knowing that "Yeah I am a good project manager"? Where as workaholics do we draw the line when is approval well earned and praise is good and when is it just "feeding the beast?"
posted by justme @ 3:37 PM
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