Just Me...versus what you see

Working on me....

2006-06-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

I have been away from the WA board for awhile, reading but not posting much, trying to figure out where I am in this crazy thing called life and workaholism. Coming to my new job (or rather returning to my old one) has been a godsend. At first I pretty much shut down and did only what was asked of me. Not being creative or proactive at all. I really think I was “healing” from the over work and job stress of the last year. Maybe it was work avoidance to some extent but I honestly did not have a lot to do the first 3-4 weeks. I was getting everything done that was asked of me and leaving promptly at 5:00. I have yet to check my work email from home. Even though I know I am not getting a deluge of emails at this point, not checking is HUGE for me.

A fellow WA poster wrote in a recent post

“It feels for me like I am going through a "withdrawal" - similar to withdrawals I felt in other programs. This program is helping me slow down - way down. As a result the feelings have chance to appear.”

While the first few weeks I mostly felt numb, the last 2 weeks I have felt edgy and fidgety. “Was I doing ‘enough’ at work?” “Was I catching on fast enough?” etc. etc. The interesting thing is that instead of worrying about it I simply checked in with my boss and one other person I work closely with and both told me I was doing fine. Something in me accepted that, maybe not totally integrated it yet but I let myself me OK with it.

I have also scaled way back in my overdoing outside of work. I have only been going out once a week and once on weekends. I have been (more) diligent about my yoga class and about reading. I am trying like hell to get off the computer by 9:00 at night. I could be on there for all hours. Instead I have been reading and maybe watching a movie I have been meaning to see. I also want to get back to journaling more.

The week of the 19th I am starting at 25 session engagement with a reiki therapist. She is the woman I baby-sit for who just got her Master’s Certification in Reiki training and needs to do X number of hours. I strongly believe in the energy of the world and how this can be an aid to my inner reflection. She has encouraged me to come up with a positive affirmation that will help me focus on what I am anxious about. I am borrowing a book from her that will help me decide what a good one that “feels like a fit” for me is.

So things are definitely going better and thus I have been “away from the actual steps of the WA program” but yet I feel like I am working on myself, the deeper issues in different ways. Working in realizing and internalizing that (1) I am worth the good that comes my way and (2) that I have abundance in my life that I need to learn to appreciate etc.

I am working on working it. I guess I am just doing my searching and fearless inventory and have taken a step away from the formal inventory to do some things that I believe will help me progress in my steps when I return to them specifically.

The one thing that makes me nervous about all of this is that I do not “feel” like a workaholic any more. I know things are easy now so that is probably why? Is it possible to only be a workaholic when you are at the wrong job? God I know that is a ridiculous way to think but when things are going well I am not sure how to stay aware of my workaholic side and continue to be diligent to it.

Peace

More thoughts on working, success, addiction to work

2006-05-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

I do not think that a person has to be all person A and B as someone listed them as needing to be mututally exclusive in all areas (this came from someone who posted on the WA boards).

I do think people can have a balanced, connected, calm, patient, humble, giving, lives in the here and now AND also be intelligent, successful (rememeber it is HOW you define success) and accomplished (again it is all in the definition I feel accomplished if I stretch meditate and do my yoga 3x a week). Maybe the person who posted it did not literally mean that it HAS to be all one or the other but it was something that popped out at me; especially when it comes to intelligence.

In fact, once you get past a family income of $50,000 per year annually, there's a slight statistical trend toward unhappiness - this was in an article on "Happiness" in Time magazine a while back. I also got this fact from my therapist.

I would debtate this to a point. While I agree money does not equal happiness, not having enought cover bills or debt can equal unhappiness If you have a lot of debt (student loans, consolidation loans etc) and owe over $15,000 a year towards this debt. I would be happier with more money - not to buy more but to get out of debt. Being in debt makes me sad, depressed and more down on myself than almost anything else.

Are you running toward additional accomplishments, or running from failure?

Away from failure.

What happens if you stopped bein successful? What would you lose?

Pride in myself and ..... have to think about this more.

Are you afraid of becoming poor?

YES!

Of being rejected?

No not really. I know my family and my close friends love me and that has always gotten me through. Sure it stings when a work thing doesn't work out but it by no means sinks me.

Of becoming ordinary?

I am ordinary and I am ok with that! In fact I kind of like it. It is comfy.

Do my parents care if I am accomplished or not?

My parents motto has always been as long as I am happy that is the best gift I could give them. They do believe and have always instilled in me that I should be able to support myself (any illness or hardship withstanding)and be a contributing member of society. Beyond that what I have or do if it makes me happy they are happy and proud of me

Do my kids care if I am accomplished or not?

Don't have any at the moment or maybe will not. This is a major point for me - will not having kids make me less somehow. This is a biogger topic than I want to get into here and now

Does my Dog care if I am accomplished or not?

Hell she ADORES me and keeps me sane. THere is a quote that I have in my cube at work "My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am". I love that.

These are points that I found very helpful to chew on for today.

**************************************************************************

Someone then responded to my post and asked the following questions

Did you grow up with a threat of being poor? What does being poor mean to you?

NO I did not grow up with teh threat of being poor in the least bit. We (my brother and I) were always well provided for and had toys and clothes and such that we wanted. My parents were very fair with money and we earned an allowance for household chores.

For me this stems (I think from post college). My parents paid for my undergraduate college education (I am so lucky for that). It is my own fault that I racked up so much debt over the years from 22-28/29 when I finally declared personal bankruptcy. Now I still have my gradutate student loans, my husband has his student loan and my
husband and I have 2 car payments and lowish credit card debt with a consolidation loan we had to take out post his college.

I realize that all of this is "normal" and that millions of Americans live in much deeper debt than I have. But I hate it. And we are pretty much week to weekers with our checks because of it. We are trying to do the right thing, put our student loans on hold to pay down other debt etc. But it still scares me that I will never
get out of this pattern.

I have at times taken on 2nd jobs but don't feel that would be the right choice for me at this time in my recovery. I do babysit one day a week for 2 hours - heck it gives me gas money.

As I write this I realize that I said I was afraid of being poor. I am well above the poverty line.

I guess what I fear is being financially unstable forever; I am not poor financially. I have always been able to earn a living and have a job so the chances of me being POOR are slim.

I need to work on my financial stibility and spending habits but thank you for questioning this and making me see that worrying about being poor is probably not where I need to spend my energy.

Just GO Away

2006-05-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

I know that right now this blog has been mostly about my workaholic stuff. I have been opening up more about my moods and depression on my public to everyone and even public to some friends in real life blog and I got what I expected and onslaught of "OMG I had no idea you were feeling this way?" "Are you OK?" "You have to look on the bright side of things, and count your blessings" emails.

Don't get me wrong I appreciate so much that people care but I am just in a place where I KNOW I will be ok I just need to be able to write it out - even if it is repetetive and boring to others. I said it in my most recent post I want to get back to using my blog as a journal to explore me and my thoughts and my life and less like a house for memes and entertainment things.

So yes today I am in a crappy mood. Tired itrritable and I want to stangle someone i if this rain does not stop soon. To add insult to injury here are all the other things that are weighting around.....

my car is going to cost me $400
and adam is feeling like we never see each other
and I feel like I never get to see my friends
and my sister in law is being difficult
and it is STILL FUCKING raining
and Chris got voted off AI
and Marley pooped yellow

*grumble*

#16-20

2006-05-09T15:09:00.000-07:00

16. Do I justify my working hard by saying I play hard?
I don't play hard. I work hard and then I relax hard (some times it is acutally "crashing" but other times it is genuinely relaxing). I do know I need chunks of alone time to maintain my balance. When I am feelign stressed I don't like to go "dance it off" or be with large groups of people. I like to be alone or one on one.

17. Do I consider being called slow, lazy, or inefficient terrible insults?
To be honest I have never been called these things. I think I would find being called lazy the most insulting. Slow vs fast it is all relative. I get impatient with people that are slower than me. But at the same time I have extreme patience with those who are "justifyably" slower than me (Not necessarily in the world world) but the elderly, the infirm or disabled and children. If someone called me inefficient I would ask them what a more efficient way of doing XYZ was in their opinion.

18. Do I set unreasonable goals? Am I proud of them?
I put unreasonable pressure on myself to always have it "under control" and at a "manageable state" Personal goals I have gotten better with. I want a house but realize that it will come in due/good time when it is meant to. This doesn't mean I don't still feel frustrated at times but I have gotten better at accepting things as they are. Except financial struggles that is the one area that is still hard hard hard for me.

When it comes to goals i.e. what I will get done this weekend. I have to say I have gotten MUCH better. I still make lists like crazy but its OK if it doesn't all get done. I used to think I had to keep a perfect house (like my mom) to be successful. Now I don't think that so much. I still clean like crazy before having a party or before having my parents over but not obsessively and the house usually needs it anyway. I do wish I could get more done around the house (i.e. cleaning the blinds and washing the curtains) but I have come to realize that I work full time and I can only do so much. Honestly when I do look a the dirty blinds I wish they were clean, but I don't want to spend all my not at work time cleaning either. I guess I can get a little lazy like that.

19. Have my co-workers become closer to me than my own family?
In many ways yes. It is easy to have quick non-work conversations with your co-workers because you spend so much time with them. The often "understand" what the trials and tribulations of work are more than a family member can. They can sympathize with you more without you having to explain it all over again.

The itnteresting thing is that often times when I explain it to someone outside of the work environment, how over the top the work is, or how late nights are getting to me, they usually look at me and say something completely rational and simple like , "well you better talk to your boss about that." or "You better cut back your hours or you will get sick". As right as they are it often makes me want to cringe because I feel like they do not "understand". It is always easier to give advice than to take it.

20. Am I proud of my perfectionism?
No because I do not feel at all like I am perfect. Most days I feel like I am tettering on the edge of getting it right or somedays just feeling like "how did I get here?"

#11-15 - Part III

2006-05-08T16:39:00.000-07:00

Part III - # 11-15

A month ago I was in a job where I was responsible for deadlines, budgets and keeping clients happy. I did not have the correct resources to do this and I believed that the company was backing ridiculous demands from its clients instead of backing its employess. Despite all this I did not want my projects to fail and would work relentlessly to do all that I thought would help.

Now I am in a job where part of my being in a better place comes from being new and not having my own responsiblities yet. I can't fix what is not mine and I can't be blamed for something going wrong on a project I do not own.

On a bigger and better level I think I am in a better place because (1) there is 1,000% less negativity at my new company and people are not festering in being miserable by they are overworked and over work by choice (2) I feel more stable in benefits and long term security (3) my position is a new one and will be evolving over the next 3-6 months so if - and this is a BIG IF - IF I play corporate world correctly I can make sure that what gets put on my plate is manageable.

This is the part that is worrisome. I cannot really use the "if I say yes to this then something has to come off my plate rule of thumb" because I am starting with an empty plate. So I have to see what evolves and be very aware of my boundaries in combination with my endless internal need to please.

Hmmm all good food for thought. One day at a time. One very consciously lived day at a time.

More insight into #11-15

2006-05-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

My parents and I have talked about a lot of this. They are very supportive of me In every way. My parents are CONSTANTLY saying "all we want is for you to be happy", or "your happiness is the best gift we can get." It is very true that "they are much more humane and forgiving of [me] than [I am] of yourself," as a fellow WA said.

This is my biggest struggle-- I know that other people accept me for who I am, forgive me my faults more easily than I forgive myself and believe I have a lot to celebrate. Yet I still challenge it all all the time. For example being the sole provider for two people while my husband went to school IS an accomplishment I should be proud of. But yet there is some feeling on my part of "where would I be now if I didn't have to do that?" I didn't HAVE to do it, I chose to. I think this gets into a deeper issue of me accepting where I am in my life at this moment and valuing it for what it is rather than wondering what if's?

Celebrating my accomplishments - yea I should do this more and I think once I can believe in my own successess then I will be able to do this better. Work on one to get to the other so to speak.

As for delegating work that is something that I will have to try out in my own life since right now at work being so new I am the one being delegated too. Which as I said is fine with me. See the thing is I am not out to climb a corporate ladder or be on the cover of FORTUNE magazine.

All I want is to do an honest days work for an honest day's pay. May sound like a simpleton's viewpoint to some but I work to get paid not to as you said: "to grow a business or job bigger."

As much of a Workaholic as I can be I don't work because I enjoy it or because I want to achieve greatness through work. I work to get paid. There are 25 things I could name off the bat that I would rather do with my time that I think would be worthwhile and more in line with "ME"; the crux is that I have a level of financial responsiblity that I cannot lower at least not right now.

So for now the balance is to work a manageable week (no more than 40 hours) to allow myself enough time to persure what does interest and grow me in a way that I enjoy. In a perfect world the two would align. In reality it is a balance.

#11-#15

2006-05-08T07:53:00.000-07:00

Continuing on my journey of the WA inventory. This set of 5 questions seems harder than the previous sets so far.

11. Do I feel the only way I could get my parents' approval or attention was by accomplishments?

My parents have always been very verbally and otherwise supportive of me and always acknowledged accomplishments, they also very much also acknowledged my trying of anything even if I hated it and stopped doing it. Their only guideline was if I wanted to try something I had to do it for the season or period of time that it existed and give it a fair chance and not stop a soon as I though I did not like it. For example I was DYING to play the clarinet in 4th grade. They bought me one and within 4 weeks I hated it, but I had to finish out the semester then I could stop. Fair enough I think.

I have always known my parents loved me and are proud of me, even when I feel least proud of myself. The ironic thing is I feel some pressure by that. Letting my parents down is something that I don't want to do. I don't think I consciously strive to avoid it but its there. Unlike my brother who has a solid salary and can afford to give them things but does not spend much time with them (relatively speaking he spends a heck of a lot more time with them than many sons of people I know). I can't give them a lot of material things but they don't need that really anyway, they can buy what they want for themselves. I want to be there for them, for my mom as she struggles with having to put her mom in a nursing home etc. But in the same vein I do want to be able to help take care of them as they get older - which does mean financially. Ah this is a much bigger post than just for here.

12. Is my home an extension of my workplace? Do I arrive home with a load of work and talk only of work?

It is hard to say right now. When things were bad at my last job the answer would have been a resounding YES. Even when I did not come home with work talk it was on my mind - somedays I was even too wiped out to talk about it. In all of my jobs I have made friends so I do come home and tell stories of so and so at work, but they are not work stories necessarily.

Now that things are better at my new job I don't bring home work physically or mentally right now, I have to keep working to keep it that way. One thing that I have found helpful so far is that I have been taking the bus to work instead of driving. It seems to give me a better chance to make the transition. Maybe it is because I can get lost in my book or just in watching the people around me.

13. Do I celebrate my victories or am I rushing to my next accomplishment?

I am ALWAYS looking for the next best thing in my life. So beore I finish one task I am thinking "what's next". I am the same way in every area of my life. I have been working a lot lately on "living in the moment" and "finding pleasure in what I have" rather than placing my happiness on getting what I want because I know as soon as I get it I will be thinking what next. I think this comes from a need to prove myself - to who and why - I still am not sure.

14. When I am with family or friends, is my mind preoccupied with my work? Am I present at my own life?

Again a month ago at my last job I would have said yes my mind was almost always preoccupied with work. I think it is hard for me to answer these questions now because I am in the early stages of a new job where there is not much that is my responsibility solely so it is easy to leave on time, and be present in what I am doing outside of work.

15. Do I have trouble delegating? Do I believe I am the only person who can do a given task right?

I hate delegating but yet I always say "when is someone going to make this easier for me" whatever "it" is - well that is rather irrellevent. I want it easier but I don't like to have help to get there. Financial help is one thing, I have needed that at different poitns in my life and I can accept that kind of help, especially when it comes from someone who I know it is not burdening to help me out. In fact I kind of have a "I deserve a break" attitude that I think allows me to be fine with this kind of help.

Delegating always raises the question for me that it would be more work to show someone else how to do it and then check their work than to just do it myself. In the short term this may be true but in the long term it could be hugely helpful. Once example is our household bills - for 6 years I did them all - partly because my husband was in school and I was the one working. They became MINE. At some point juggling peter to pay paul became annoying, probably because I started to see things failing (I mean falling but both words work) through the cracks; FINALLY after 6 years I "let" my husband take on 1/2 the bill responsibilities. It is still hard at times because we do things VERY differently but it does get done. I am still pushing myself to not ask "did you take care of X" etc. but it is a start - one that I see as pretty significant to me.

As for delegation at work - I have always said I do not want direct reports. As much as I take on responsibility for others when I do not need to I do not want to have direct reports to be responsible for. I co-work with others fairly well and can let the other person do some of the task, especially if I know they come to the table with more knowledge in the aread than me.

Coming off my 9 Month Adrenaline High

2006-04-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

I am a workaholic. But this week I have not overworked - not at my new job and not outside of the office on personal things.

I have been getting to work at 9, after reading my book (which I have not "had" any time to really do over the last 9 months) on the bus ride in. I have noticed more little things such the amount of moisture in the air each day as I walk to the bus, how my neighbors daffodils are growing backwards - most likely toward the afternoon
sun.

The new job itself is going well so far. It is always hard to tell for sure the first week or even the first month. I have two "tasks", parts of projects, to accomplish. One by end of day Friday and one by sometime next week. Being new I am collaborating heavily with others as I learn the process; and to be quite frank. I am taking a rather leisurely pace toward getting the thing for Friday done. At one point I found myself thinking, "I should take the earlier bus in to get a jump on this". Then I thought "Why" no one has any expectations that it be done sooner, why start setting them now?

I know things will get busier and as I get my own projects I will have more on my own plate. But I am trying VERY hard to set boundaries that I can stick to when the load ramps up.

The thing is. THIS ALL FEELS WEIRD. I feel better, physically, mentally and emotionally but I also feel out of sorts. Coming down from the adrenadline overdrive that I have had myself in for the last 6-9 months has been hard. I keep thinking "Wait I need to...." and then just as suddenly realizing that there is nothing I NEED to get to that urgently.

I get home at 5:45 and think "huh what to do with myself". I need to recalibrate my gears and leisure time priorities. It's an interesting place to be in.

I have been able to DO work and not race around like a lunatic catering to obscene client demands and attending 25 meetings a week.

Like I said I know it is all new,things will pick up and I will always and forever have to be working on the steps (which I am still so new to) but I can say at this point I am VERY happy I made the change.

What I do not want to happen is for me to "feel better" and start slacking on working the steps. I will be posting the next set of my fearless inventory questions soon.

Exploring #6-10 a bit more

2006-04-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

To explore #6-10 little more. Question for more insight posed by Karen at WA

K: I'd take this a little further. How do you feel about being alone? Does it make you anxious? Do you feel the need to fill the silence? Do you only like alone time with yourself when you are DOING something? I'd recommend digging a little deeper into the neutrality of enjoying your own company.

I am OK the majority of the time being along. I can easily sit with music and candles and just let my mind meander. The only time I really feel anxious is if I feel there are things to do but there are always things to do so I can pretty easily (honestly) put that aside for awhile at least. I love to lie on my bed in the summer with the window open and just listen to the sounds outside. I love to sit outside in the big field where I take my dog and watch her bound about in joyfull dogness. So I do think I really am Ok at being with myself.

K: It sounds like you might think that you have to have accomplishments to contribute to the world. Can you think of ways you can contribute but not necessarily accomplish? Can you think of people who have contributed in less tangible ways? Who do you want to BE?

The short answer is I want to BE a happy person. I want to do more vounteer work with animals working for a dog resuce or shelter. But that is contributing and accomplishing at the same time. I am giving of myself but helping the animals is an accomplishment as well. I want to BE well read. I want to BE at ease in my own body. I guess I am having a hard time understanding what you mean when you talk about contributing in non tangible ways.

At one point for about a year I found great peace in attending Buddist studies. However I attacked it with so much zeal and overinvolvement that I eventually burnt out and left the classes. I remember that being a challenging time in my life but I also remembering feeling great peace whenever I was at the Buddhist hosue/temple and around the people there. I am still wondering if I should go back or if my real spirtuality lies in the Christian realm

The start of a searching and fearless inventory # 6-10

2006-04-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

So I am an ESFJ

2006-04-23T06:29:00.000-07:00

I just took a test similar to the Myers Briggs Personality Test. MY results came back with the portrait of an Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging Personality Type or ESFJ.

A few things that struck me as "right on the money were:

As an ESFJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

The ESFJ takes their responsibilities very seriously, and is very dependable. They value security and stability, and have a strong focus on the details of life.

ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves ... They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others.

They have a strong need to be liked, and to be in control.

All ESFJs have a natural tendency to want to control their environment. Their dominant function demands structure and organization, and seeks closure. ESFJs are most comfortable with structured environments...ESFJs should be careful about controling people in their lives who do not wish to be controlled.

Their need for security drives their ready acceptance and adherence to the policies of the established system.

An ESFJ who has developed in a less than ideal way may be prone to being quite insecure, and focus all of their attention on pleasing others. He or she might also be very controling, or overly sensitive...

ESFJs at their best are warm, sympathetic, helpful, cooperative, tactful, down-to-earth, practical, thorough, consistent, organized, enthusiastic, and energetic. They enjoy tradition and security, and will seek stable lives that are rich in contact with friends and family

The start of a searching and fearless inventory #1-5

2006-04-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

Step 4: The start of a searching and fearless inventory about me and my attitudes and Beliefs about Workaholism.

For getting the most out of this inventory, we suggest writing your responses. Include everything that arises, and be as honest as possible. Do it in several sittings. Another way to do this inventory is with your group, discussing a few questions at a time. Be prepared to process feelings that may come up.
Warning: they may be overwhelming.

1. Am I aware of the difference between job and self-created pressures? Between hard work and compulsive work?

Yes I am aware of the difference but have a hard time with the latter. I have been told by many people that I take on more than I need to, that I need to "check it [work] at the door" but somehow it is not that easy. For my whole life work has been a part of me. More on this later about my parents views on work etc.

2. Have I balanced my life so that it includes physical nurture, family and social life, and spiritual fitness?

I am working on it. Getting this new job is a major step. I have a clean slate on which to set and enforce my boundaries. I am scared about it but I have to believe that I can do it with the guidance of my HP. I am tired of squeezing in time for things.

I make the time for the family and social aspect but I am usually exhausted. Having sex? It happens but it is "another thing to get done" and I hate that. Spiritual enrichmnet? Not so much. I have struggled with what path I want to take on my spiritual journey. I was raised Catholic but have some reservations about what I perceive to be major contradictions in what the Church preaches and what it acutally does.

I spent a year practicing Buddhism and it was very peaceful but ultimately there were conflicts when it came to a certain point regarding reincarnation and past lives. Being an all or nothing person I walked away at that point which was probably a sad choice. I got extremely involved (workaholically) in the center and compulsive about doing all I could. I often wonder about going back, and then when I hit something that "did not work for me" I just walked away. It's diappointing really. I remember the sense of calm I had during the year I was there.

I am thinking about trying to go back, or maybe giving Catholicism or an Evangelical church a try again. Whatever I decide I need to approach it with the motto of "taking what I can and leaving the rest" and not abandoning something just because I do not agree 100% with every thing.

3. Has working caused me to develop addictive habits-- overeating, smoking, drinking, etc.?

Overworking has caused to have less concern for my health overall. When I am stressed I will eat whatever is not nailed down and I have a much stronger craving for carbohydrates. Neither of which is good for me as a Type II diabetic. I don't smoke. I have had more drinks while I was at my last job, moreso because it was the culture to go have a drink once or twice a week after work. Luckily using drinking as a relaxation mechanism never posed a problem for me. I am too horrified I will have a hang over to get drunk very often.

4. When was the last time I did anything playful or relaxing?

Last Saturday when I went to the Red Sox game with my husband and some friends. I was fine and very relaxed for the first 5 innings but then I got fidgity. Not really because of work. I had finished at my old job and had not started the new one yet. I think it has more to do with me getting bored easily and not really liking baseball. BUT having said that I do not engage in playful and relaxing very often. When I do get overwhelmed I dive hard core into relaxation. Sleep, a massage, something that offeres immediate [but usually not lasting] benefits.

A friend [or two] recently told me that I don't know how to have fun. I think she is right. It is hard to have fun when EVERYTHING is scheduled and planned.

5. Do I feel most of my problems would be solved if I had more time or money?

I absolutely believe that SOME of my problems would be solved if I had more money. I know money is not going to make me a non-workaholic but being able to pay all my bills on time each month WILL help me relax. Money is an A#1 trigger for me with my anxiety.

6. Do I enjoy my own company?

7. Do people often remind me to slow down and take it easy?

8. Do I frequently think "Is this all there is?" Am I beginning to resent being a drudge?

9. Are the people in my life enabling my workaholism?

10. When was the last time I had a physical check-up?

11. Do I feel the only way I could get my parents' approval for attention was by accomplishments?

12. Is my home an extension of my workplace? Do I arrive home with a load of work and talk only of work?

13. Do I celebrate my victories or am I rushing to my next accomplishment?

14. When I am with family or friends, is my mind preoccupied with my work? Am I present at my own life?

15. Do I have trouble delegating? Do I believe I am the only person who can do a given task right?

16. Do I justify my working hard by saying I play hard?

17. Do I consider being called slow, lazy, or inefficient terrible insults?

18. Do I set unreasonable goals? Am I proud of them?

19. Have my co-workers become closer to me than my own family?

20. Am I proud of my perfectionism?

21. Do I believe my work is my worth, and that the more I produce, the more admirable I am?

22. Do I value admiration over love?

23. Do I schedule my day so tightly that I am always racing? Do I feel my life is blurring?

24. Am I addicted to creating crises so that I can get adrenaline highs? Do I suffer irritable and restless withdrawals?

25. Do I sometimes want to stop working but feel I just can't?

26. Do I accept myself as I am?

27. Is there any joy in my life aside from finishing a task?

28. Do I ever fully savor anything? Am I bored with process and only interested in product? Am I more interested in quantity than quality?

29. Do I ignore body signals -- shortness of breath, pain in chest, headaches, etc. -- believing I have superhuman endurance?

30. When I play games, is it more important to win, or to have fun? Am I always trying to prove I am okay?

31. Do I find silence uncomfortable, especially when I'm with people?

32.Have I burned out from jobs or activities because I didn't know how to pace myself?

33.Am I often irritable and impatient? Do I plunge into projects without sufficient forethought? Do I rush to complete them so that I can validate myself through
seeing results?

34. Do I feel lost or empty when I have time and no task to do? Do I “hoard” work so I'll never run out of work?

35. Do I avoid being alone with myself because it means hearing self-hating thoughts?

36. When I am overloaded with work, do I feel driven to take on even more?

37. Do I know how to work smarter rather than harder?

38. Do I have a need to be needed?

39. Do I lie about the amount of work I do?

40. Do I work long hours without stopping? Do I ever allow time out just to rest or reflect?

41. Do I feel that I'm indispensable and that it all depends on me? That no one else can be as conscientious?

42. Do I feel I always need to be in control, that I must understand and anticipate everything? Were my parents emotionally unstable?

43. Do I underestimate how long a job will take and then binge-work to catch up?

44. Has my doctor warned me to slow down?

45. Do I scorn those not so dedicated to work as I am as frivolous? Or do I secretly envy them for not being driven?

46. Do I turn leisure time activities into money-making ventures?

47. Do spontaneous events upset me because they destroy my agenda? Do I dislike surprises or interruptions?

48. Do I keep my life so overscheduled that there's no room for new ideas or the unexpected?

49. Am I preoccupied with work in bed, on weekends, on vacations, incessantly?

50. Is my mind often racing? Do I often feel overwhelmed, as though I were drowning in work?

51. Do I justify my workaholism by feeling I have a mission or by the urgency of a situation?

52. Am I terrified of failure as humiliating?

53. Do I life as though I were perpetually on duty in an emergency room?

54. Do I think my work is the most exciting thing in my life? Do I work to live or live to work?

55. Am I sometimes frozen, unable to make decisions?

56. Do I work during meals?

57. Am I sometimes relieved to be sick as a legitimate excuse to cancel commitments?
Have I ever spent a day in bed when I wasn't sick without working or feeling guilty?

58. Were either of my parents workaholics? How did that affect my own attitudes toward work?

59. Am I out of touch with my feelings? Am I running from anxiety, depression,
anger, guilt, fear or unresolved conflicts?

60. Do I find it hard to admit that I need help or that I made a mistake? Am I harsh
with myself when I mess up?

61. Am I ashamed of my family background?

62. Have my long work hours and preoccupation with work resulted in neglecting my family? Have I suffered severe memory lapses because of preoccupation?

63. Am I overly critical of myself? Is anything I do ever enough? Do I play “can't win” games with myself?

64. Do I ever notice the sunset, a bird, or a flower? When was the last time I had a hearty laugh?

65. Do I criticize and judge others harshly, measuring them against unrealistically high
standards?

66. Do I do anything just for pleasure? When I attend a party or read a book, is it work-related?

67. Am I terrified of falling behind in my work and not being able to catch up? Or am I more afraid of getting caught up and having nothing to do?

68. Do I feel I have to earn my fun by hard work? When I do something relaxing, do I make work out of it?

69. Do I believe that if anyone really knew me they'd be appalled?

70. Do I feel my life would stop if I didn't keep prodding?

71. Have I ever known anyone who had a comparable job to mine and did it in a leisurely fashion?

72. Do I feel I must improve everything even if it's working well?

73. Do I rush to do more in less time and then wonder why after I do I have even less time?

74. Am I attracted to demanding bosses and chaotic work situations which bring out my workaholism? Am I loyal to companies even if they underpay or overwork me?

75. Have I realized how much of my family's growth I've missed?

76. Do any of these apply to my life: loaf, linger, lounge, dally, saunter, stroll, idle, indolent, rest, pause, enjoy, gentle, loll, lag, loose, relax, laughter, leisurely, mellow?

77. Have I ever realized that many things get done by being left alone?

78. Have I ever admired myself, or do I seek admiration only from others?

79. Do I find waiting the hardest thing to do?

80. Do I often do what doesn't need doing, such as over-reminding people and improving what doesn't need fixing?

81. Do I scorn relaxation as weakness or trivial?

82. Do I feel compelled to finish all items on my desk each day?

83. Am I determined to surpass, revenge, or vindicate my parents? What am I trying
to prove with my work?

84. Do I compulsively fill every second with activity?

85. Have I ever had a non-work related vacation?

86. Do I feel my real problem is that I lack organization or don't know how to process stress better?

87. How do I nurture myself?

88. Do I frequently make errors and misplace or drop things because I rush?

89. Do I know how do to nothing and just be?

90. Do I think my workaholism is noble or patriotic?

91. Do I believe people who talk or move slowly are stupid?

92. Do I realize workaholism is a killer disease? That it applies to all compulsive
activity, not just job or business related?

93. Do I ever refuse requests for work? If I do, do I always feel guilty?

94. Have I often been called driven, overly intense, relentless, or over-achiever? Do I fear that feeling content would destroy my drive?

95. Do I suffer from insomnia by worrying? (mental workaholism)?

96. Am I afraid that if I slow down I won't be able to compete or that my fellow-workers won't take me seriously?

97. Have I found that though I use more time-saving devices, I still don't have
more time?

98. When I leave a job, do I boast of the fact that they needed two or more people
to replace me?

99. Do I exaggerate my achievements in order to elicit admiration?

100. Do I fear failure yet sabotage myself by overworking?

Failure Defined Part II

2006-04-19T05:27:00.000-07:00

People, my parents, friends and husband know I am struggling with all of this and have said over and over many of the things you have said to me. That I "Am not a failure", "you only fail if you don't learn from your mistakes", "you only fail when you stop trying" etc. etc.

One way I feel like I failed my parents is that I married a man who loves me, supports me, is my place of safety in this world and would I truely believe die for me but he smokes pot occassionally. I know they would HIGHLY disapprove of this.

I know because he used to smoke a lot more. I threatened to leave him and now for years he is only an occassional user. I am scared shitliss as I write this and I am not sure why. I have a strong sense of unease and anxiety. It doesn't bother me that he smokes , he knows my boundaries around it. (can't interfere with our finances, never when he is driving etc.) In fact it would not be an issue if I knew my parents would not be disappointed in me if they found out. Are my apron strings to my parents approval tied too tightly?

Hmm that kind of came out of left field.

>>>>Change your expectations.<<<< This is the key to much of my unhappiness I think. I feel like I need more in my life all the time and then when I get it. "What's next" becomes the immediate question.

Failure Defined

2006-04-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

My definition of failure is falling short of living up to expectations, whether expectations are mine placed on me by myself or those placed on my by others. The former is much more of a challenge for me than the later.

Failure = not feeling financially stable (being able to pay my bills on time, put a little into savings, be contributing to a 401K and be able to buy something $100 or less without having to do a major restructuring of the monthly budget and fearing it will mess up my budget for the month).

Failure = not being able to say with certainty where I stand on wanting kids. I do not see it as a failure not to have kids I see it as a failure to not know.

Failure = not owning a home in the next 4-5 years.

Failure = my rash decision to go get my grad degree because I was bored and now I owe $400 a month in student loans

Failure = not holding down a job; getting fired; not being able to support myself

How have you failed in the past?
1. Got myself so far into debt I had to declare bankruptcy.
2. Made a rash decision to get a degree in something I will never do (teach) and now have heaps of loans for it
3.Equated sex and attention with love and ended up with herpes.

Do you feel that you've failed more than the average person?
I am not sure I feel that I failed more than the average person but I do feel that I have struggled more than the average person.

Do you feel that you're a failure now?
At this precise moment yes. I feel like I can’t keep my anxiety/depression in check. I have come 360 degrees back to the same job I was at a year ago. This in itself is not bad. Having had to go to two jobs that were awful I see as a failure on my part to have made the move in the first place and also to not have known better.

I have herpes, although not life threatening, which is my fault and makes me feel broken and less than my husband deserves.

What probability do you assign to failing in the future?
50/50

What are the consequences of failure?
Not finding a 'place' where I can be happy.
Being dependent on others.
Letting others down

How would you survive, handle it?
Some how I would survive; I always do. That is part of my problem. I always survive. I survived cancer, anxiety, depression, herpes, financial struggles, bankruptcy, a rocky start to my marriage. I am a survivor. I have the Chinese symbols for survivor tattooed on my lower back over where my kidney was. It means a lot to me that I am a survivor. It means I am strong but at what cost. I am tired of being strong. Quite frankly I am tired of caring but I as tired as I am I just do not have it in my makeup to just shut down.

I can see my self as a failure at times, quitter never. I just don’t know how to quit.

Are these questions making you anxious?
Somewhat. None of this isn’t something I haven’t thought about 100 times before.

Steve you asked the question “How many people do you think get through their entire 40 year plus working career without getting fired?” I would be interested in that statistic. I might try and do some research on it. I think getting fired would horrify me. I have had friends and co workers get fired and in most cases I think no less of them at all (except when there was good reason for them to get let go).

Steve wrote:

I think we learn more from our failures than we do from our successes. If you think of it that way, as a learning experience or rite of passage, acceptance is easy

.

Acceptance is not easy. God it is something I struggle with every damn day. After learning to let go of control, accepting myself is next in line as the hardest thing.

I know I need to a learn from my mistakes and move on but acceptance is NEVER easy for something that you regret.

I just want to say that I could have easily put the “therapy” spin on all of my answers. I hear questions that others might ask but you know what? I am tired of the therapy spin on everything. This is how I feel.

7 Stages of Grief? Why?

2006-04-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

This was taken from a post by vj over at the workaholics boards.

The stages of grief as delineated by kubla-ross are:
Denial (i'm fine)
Anger (i don't like what i am seeing or feeling, e.g., loss),
Bargaining (if only i hadn't let that job eat up my time, if only my
partner made more money, if only...)
Depression (i am so so sad that i lost my time, my energy, my health,
that i don't know who i am...)
and finally, the great reward:
ACCEPTANCE! yay!

I read this and when "WHOA!" I feel like I go through these cycles of emotions a lot, in a cyclical fashion. Why the pattern? What am I grieving? I feel like I especially get stuck in Bargaining and Depression most often; but then again maybe I spend just as much time in Denial and Anger too.

Definitely more here to chew on and mull over. I will be back to spit it out later.

A Possible AH-HA moment

2006-04-15T15:48:00.000-07:00

I think I have mentioned before that I belong to the Yahoo Workaholics Group. There are no face to face meetings in my area and this group has been a great support. I have bene posting there a lot around the transition out of my current job and hte range of emotions I have been feeling. Today someone mentioned this

Maybe some of your Workaholism comes from approval addiction and a need to belong. Realizing that all rational thought indicate it's time to go, and then still feeling all those powerful emotions around leaving a sinking ship....I think you've wedged yourself between a rock and a hard place. Damned if you do, damned if you
don't.

I think he is onto something I do want approval but I get it. My husband could not accept me and love me any more than he does. My parents are always telling my how proud they are of me. So why don't I buy it?

Beacuse being successful and not being a failure is still tied up in all the wrong things for me. I think that might be a place I need to ask the group about again. Before I can change how I think about my fear of failing because it will leave me with a lack of approval, maybe I need to reowrk my paramater of what success is?

Exploring why it was so hard to leave

2006-04-15T15:42:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me why I felt it was wrong to be leaving even though I had been unhappy and wanted to leave for so long. I guess the best answer to that comes in a list.

Why did I feel guilty about leaving?
1. Because I felt like I was leaving others behind in a "bad situation"...why?
2. Because I felt like I should be staying to help them make it work?...why?
3. Because if I did not stay and help them make it work then I felt like I was bailing out on them and people who do their jobs well/successfully do not quit...
4. By "quitting" I felt like I was letting people down including myself....
5. Letting people down = failure to me.

There is a quote by Emiliy Dickinson that I like and use often in my signature line, "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" I would live my life a lot more spontaneously than I do now. I would find a job I love and not worry about money and probably 100 other things.

But for me failure is always a part of the equation that I have to look at as a possibility. Why? Where did this come from? Who cares if I fail? What is the worst that can happen?

More to explore.

Sign Sealed Delivered and Out the Door

2006-04-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

To sum things up since my last post. I got the offer letter in writing, which was just a formality since I had already given my notice anyway. I rode out my last 2 weeks and my last day was yesterday.

There was way too much unexpected emotion inside of me in leaving my job today. I have wanted out for so long that I thought it wouldn't be hard to leave. I can honestly say that I genuinely like almost every person there. How is it that I can say that and yet the company as a whole makes me mad with frustration? How can a group of such great people end up in/create a culture that is so toxic?

More importantly how could I get so caught up in it? Not just the workaholic part. I am what I am and the company just encouraged me to grow my workaholic-ness and intensify it. (If that sounds victim-y I do not mean it to be I know that my behavior is my responsibility I just could not find a better way to phrase it.)

How could I get so caught up in the nasty gossipy, he said she said, the reason things are broken is his fault or her fault talk? That is NOT who I am and NOT who I want to be. Aside from being completely wiped out by the overwork, this negativity was one of the reasons I chose to leave.

Yet despite all of this with each goodbye I felt (not "knew" but felt - somehow I see a difference here that I cannot articulate) I felt that I was wrong to be leaving.

One goodbye, from a Director level person who I have worked closely with, side swiped emotionally especially hard. He oversees a department of about 15 people (almost all Workaholics). He said to me, "I shouldn't be saying this, especially being in the position I am but I want you to leave knowing that every single person in that room (his groups room) loves working with you. As a Project Manager, you see the bigger picture of the company and the people and the teams and you do not
make it just about schedules and bottom lines and dollars." So why then I ask myself, did no one (a) fight to get me to stay and (b) why isn't anyone in a positon of power demanding changes be made so the good people stick around?

We all know that no one statement like the one he made to me is no son to stay but damn I was sucking up that approval. I felt like I needed to hear it, that I earned it. It is something that I do beleive about myself on some level logically in my head...but I don't believe it in my heart. To be honest I think I was getting a
high off of it.

But is that so wrong to feel great knowing that "Yeah I am a good project manager"? Where as workaholics do we draw the line when is approval well earned and praise is good and when is it just "feeding the beast?"

verbally things are good

2006-03-29T21:00:00.000-08:00

So I got a verbal offer that a verbal/email offer is coming and that a formal HR letter will follow end of day Friday/Monday. That was good enough for me. I just could not keep it in and I have confidence that nothing will go wrong. AND if it does it is mean to be (at least this is what I am telling myself to keep calm over the fact that I did give my notice with nothing in writing): ok yea I am a little nervous about that but nervous or not I feel a hell of a lot better tonight than I did last night. I will take the temporary nerves.

I talked to my boss and she was appropriate and offered her best wishes and said some very nice things about me. I appreciate that. I really do like her and working with her. It's the dynamics of the company and the company client relationships that are toxic to me.

I guess it was not odd that she (being the poker faced, always say the appropriate thing) did not seem suprised or taken aback. A co-worker later told me that my boss said she was sad because she really liked working with me. It was nice to hear. My boss did say, "if I thought there was something we could talk about to get you to stay...but it sounds like you have made up your mind."

I have made up my mind and I am ready to move on. Although I will miss so many people from this job. Friends outside of work, have a cocktail and talk about life and not just work friends. I really do hope we stay in touch.

I am excited about this new opportunity. I am giddy that it is back working with some of my old friends. Most of all I am feeling calm. Calm at the opportunity to start anew and really move along the path of creating a better life for me. Work-life balance, going to yoga more, reading more, computering less (maybe), spending time being outside as the weather gets warmer.

A little bit of light at the end of the tunnel

2006-03-28T14:05:00.000-08:00

A little information on the job opportunity I am waiting on. This was from the first person I met with who I actually liked the most. Originally she was not the person I would report to but as you will see below that has changed; which makes the job all the more desireable.

Hello,

Original Hiring Manager and I have decided that the position will actually report to me (person I really liked), and I'd love to touch base with you about it. (I just returned from a week's vacation, so I apologize for the delay!) Everyone who interviewed you was impressed with you candidacy, and I think you're a great fit for the job, so I wanted to discuss things in a little more detail. Unfortunately, I'm in back-to-back meetings all day today, but is there a time I can reach you tomorrow? Thanks, and I look forward to speaking with you again! Regards, X

Yeah.

I am talking with her tomorrow at 9:00 AM. I am hoping the details are hiring related and that I can give my notice by Friday.

Yeah.

So I am a bitch and yes I am complaining AGAIN

2006-03-27T19:12:00.000-08:00

I am so sick of client X. I need to let it go. I really do but until I can I am here to bitch again. They are the stoopidest (yes I know I spelled that wrong on purposed it represents them) group of people I have ever met. It has taken them over 120 days to sign off on a 35 page document. They have no internal processes, no effective commiunication and they make my life hell.

We went through it in Novemeber/December and we are going to go though it again now. They WANT an immoveable deadline but HOLY SHIT we (they forgot something critical and now we need to jam it in and make it fit). Not on my watch not this time baby. They will get a schedule change and WHOA watch out yes they are going to get charged for time to do the work as as well. I mean COME ON how many times do they think they can really pull this shit for and get away with it?

I am a bit stressed that they want a "all people in attendance" meeting Wednesday and my boss is in Vegas until end of day tomorrow. I am not going to this meeting without her or at least without exactly what the cost/time change will be that they are going to have to adhere to.

It will all work out it did before but the difference is, this time my "care bank" is empty, all worn out, kaput. I just do not have it in me. I have bigger and better goals in my life. When I am on my death bed this crap is not going to be what matters.

No coffee and still I buzz

2006-03-27T08:54:00.000-08:00

I have intentionally had no coffee today and still I am buzzing. I don't know if I am experiencing some mania here today or if it really is just that I have "checked out" on work at least temporarily. If someone emails me, I reply. If someone asks for something I move on it. I just am not looking for things to do. I am not motivated. As a co-worker often says,

the care bank is empty

.I started reading a great book yesterday, given to me by the woman I babysit for who has become a great friend. It is called Positive Energy and it is by Judith Orloff. I read the Introduction and the first chapter and I really like it. It talks a lot about Energy Psychiatry (which is different from Energy Psychology). - I want to explore that more later.

It totally makes sense to me, probably because a lot of it is common sense but that part of the reason I feel so tired and drained is because I am around so much negative energy all day. People leaving, everyone feeling stressed and looking for new jobs.

I want change in my life. I have been saying that for a few months now and I do see myself making little changes here and there. I guess that is good. "They" say that baby steps stick longer than fast drastic changes. But as I make all these little changes and see slight shifts in myself I start to want a bigger bolder change. (aka the changing of my job, whether it is the present opportunity I am persuing or the next one). Till that can happen baby steps are better than no steps I suppose.

patience is not my virture

2006-03-27T06:26:00.000-08:00

Patience may be a virtue but it is not my strength. I am jonesing in my own skin to hear back about the job I interviewed for. I must have checked my email a dozen times already today and it is only 9:30. I want so badly to give my notice this week. I am praying that can happen.

I have to wait a decent amount of time before I check in and see where the process stands. I suppose I should wait a week but I am not sure I can hold out that long. Maybe tomorrow.

That's all I have to say. Jittering in my seat.

The waiting begins

2006-03-25T05:48:00.000-08:00

I had a good sencond interview as I mentioned before and I had a good 4th (phone interview) with a colleague of my hiring manager's in London on Thursday. I sent a nice note off to the hiring manager saying the usual -

"It was great to speak with person X it gave me a broader understanding of the position. I feel energized and confident that this would be a good match. I look forward to hearing from you soon...yadda yadda yadda"

She wrote back,

"Everyone here feels like the interviews went well also. I will be in touch soon"

The elluisve SOON. I hate the ellusive SOON. So I wait.

A friend of mine at the office gave her notice ysterday. That makes 2 people that gave their notice this past week. I gotta get out. I am praying that I can give my notice by this friday the 31st, so that the 14th can be my last day and that I can take a few days off the following week to visit with my cousin who will be in town, before starting the new job.

Am I putting all of my eggs in one basket? The cart before the horse? I don't know. I just know I have to get out.

Round 2 Bring It On!

2006-03-21T05:28:00.000-08:00

Today I have my 2nd interview at company P today. Wish me luck. I have to believe that if I had a four hour interview and they are bringing me back for an hour and half interview today and then have me scheduled to meet via phone with a counterpart in London on Thursday that they are interested. Right?

I am trying to maintain a cool distance and not get my hopes up. Better to be suprised than disappointed right.

I did confront my two main concerns after the first interview head on. I know it is always touchy as to when to mention money. Normally I would not bring it up after a first interview but I have been burnt the last two times around with going through all the interviews and dancing my way through all the hoops only to be offered a salary LESS than my stated salary range.

I sent a nice thank you email for my first interview and mentioned that I wanted to make sure that it was clear that my salary range was for a base salary. I had a good followu up call with the hiring manager who said she understood my concerns and assured me that they could meet my range. (For me even if it is a lateral transfer base salary wise that is fine - the better benefits and stability and work life culture make it worth it).

We also clarified a question I had about the training portion of the job. So off I sneak at lunch today to my 2nd interview. I just hope my boss does not catch on. I can't lie straight to her if she asks me again.

I acutally LIKE to interview

2006-03-14T17:25:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not I LIKE to interview. I hate searching for the right interview, sending out resumes and never hearing back but I like sitting and doing the actual interview, and if I may say so I think I do a pretty good job at it.

My interview today went well. I liked the position more after the interview than before and I really can say that I really liked two of the women I would be working with. I did not get to meet the third one yet. The woman who would be my boss seemed genuine and a leader who does get things done. Because I have worked at this company before I also know she is someone who comes in on the later side and works later. But one of the other women I interviewed with said she comes in earlier and leaves at 5:00 and that is not a problem.

I was very honest with everyone I spoke with about not being a clock puncher but also not wanting to work 50 hour weeks on a consistent basis and everyone SAID that would not be a problem. This is the one area that I am unsure of my own judgement in. BUT the thing is this. The benefits are better. The pay will be a little better (same base pay but better bonus options), better benefits, more security and stability.

So I sent out all of my thank you letters tonight and we shall see. The hiring manager said she was going to talk to everyone who I interviewed with and get back to me hopefully by Thursday when she has to leave for a conference.

Now I wait and see. I swear my current boss SMELLED interview on me, because she was talking about how she hopes the 2nd engineer on my project is not interviewing (the lead engineer's last day is Friday) and then she looked at me like a light had dawned on her and said, "you aren't interviewing are you?". She did not mean it in a "were you just an interview way." But still I am a horrible liar and it took me by suprise so I am sure I looked shell shocked. If a person can fall out of their own skin I would have! I KNOW I stuttered when I said, "NO I was at the doctor's".

That is the story of the interview. I like to interview. I hate to wait.

Goals for the week

2006-03-12T16:58:00.000-08:00

I am going to try setting some goals for myself this week. Ever since I got this cough I have been increasingly lazy and loafish. I know I need to take down time to re-coup but I also have to keep moving to keep my mind from working in overdrive.

1. I want to try out a new Yoga class - Tuesday if they get back to me and/or get to the other class close to my house aiming for Wednesday night or Saturday.
2. I want to finish the book I am reading.
3. Get the bills paid by Friday.
4. Check out the capris on sale at Target (gotta do some spring/summer shopping bit by bit since I did NONE last year except for my sandals.
5. Have a successful interview Tuesday morning.
6. Go to therapy on Friday (althouh I might have to postpone it for this week becasue of cash flow AND I am already out 1/2 day Tuesday. I have until Tuesday night to decide.

BONUS: #7. CHILL OUT about booking our damn vacation this summer.

Here's to good goals!

options update

2006-03-07T07:58:00.000-08:00

I got the schedule for my four (4) hour interview at my old company next Tuesday. The interesting thing is that there is the position I am interviewing for and then there is a Project Manager position also available with one of the people that is interviewing me for the first position.

People here might wonder four hours???but heck I have to have that follow up chest x-ray right?

Then I was able to get some insider information on another PM/Producer position at another company. A co-worker's boyfriend works there and I know that he has gotten another employee from here in the door (she is on her 2nd interview) so that might be a good additional option. I sent him my resume and we will see if they express interest. From what he says about the company there are good benefits and a good work life balance that is respected. Music to my ears.

It might not all happen over night, but now that the ball is rolling I am finding it at least a teensy bit easier to not be overwhelmed by things here.

Catching up

2006-03-06T16:55:00.000-08:00

Other than being majorly bummed out and slightly anxious *you know me* about having to go back to work tomorrow I am feeling better. Still coughy but doctor says I can expect it to stick around for awhile.

In my sickness induced absence I never got a chance to write about what a great experience I had with my new therapist on Thursday. It's funny but I can tell if I am going to click with someone pretty quickly, sometimes I am wrong but usually not. Sometimes I try to avoid my first impressions, you know for the benefit of the doubnt, but the older I get the more I find that my instincts are true. I hope so in this case.

Upon entering his office (yes my first HE therapist ever). I immediately felt comfortable. He had a cozy office, he does work with kids so there was an entire shelf of stuffed animals, all clean and fluffy and waiting to be grabbed by me at the first emotional session! He shook my hand firmly and looked me in the eye the whole time we talked. He took a LOT of notes and seem to genuinely be taking in all of my "theories" based on things I have read and past therapy experiences. He never once came across as dismissive and at the end he felt "confident that this could be a good experience for me, one that I would benefit from" or something like that.

The one thing I found interesting was he did encourage me to see my current therapist "One last time" and I simply told him that I was happy to talk to her on the phone but was not going to pay to go "break up" with her when I had been seeing her less than 3 months. I left her a message Friday and I am sure she will call me tomorrow.

He suggested a workbook for me called "Mind Over Mood".I picked it up this weekend and started reading it. He said it was a good outline for the steps of CBT. If this works, it could really work. I have no doubt that I can "master the steps" but I wonder if I can really integrate it. That is where we are going to start next week. With my concern about why I think I can do one but not the other.

I am energized and hopeful about it all at this point. My boss was even OK about letting me work from home from 8-9:30 go to my appointment and then come into the office at 11:30 on Friday, which is what I have to do until he has an earlier or late appointmnet open up.

This and some other optimistic news that I got today are helping me "chin up" over the tension I have about going back to the office tomorrow after being out sick.

P.S. Is it me or is this font getting tinier with every entry?

I got a call!

2006-03-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

I got the call today for an interview back at my old company *big smashing grin*, you know the one I foolishly left year ago because I was SO sure that the grass was greener somewhere else? I am scheduled to go in for FOUR hours of interviews on the 14th. That is going to be interesting to swing with my current job. My tactic right now is to say I have an appointment in the morning, will be working from home and will be in at lunch time.

I don't care if they think I am lying I just don't want them to ask me outright. I am hoping that them brining me and taking up so much of everyone's time means they are very interested. As with any interview I wish I knew how many other people were interviewing and if there were any internal candidates or not.

I hope that once I interview it does go a little quicker than it has up until this point. I mean it has been a month since my resume was given to her and I was told via the grapevine that they were very interested.

Good things come to those who wait. The job sounds interesting more of a Production Coordinator position than a Project Management position.

This position is responsible for the day-to-day access authoring and publishing tools and more specifically for authorizing, tracking and coordinating Product XYZ development and production according to standard launch procedures. The coordinator is responsible for understanding and training all aspects of the development and production process. Will train and support internal and external resources on available production models, cost structures and best practices. Supervise the work of vendors, content developers, course producers, vendors and freelancers as needed on any project. Manages security of the authoring system and tools, including creation and termination of all user accounts for the authoring platform and non-disclosure agreements for all non-company employees. Publishes and distributes policy for all security, authoring, workflow and publishing procedures and enforces their use by all teams. Responsible for monitoring and reporting the membership, usage, training and requirements tracking for the proprietary content database used by all product teams.

The part that I am most uncertain about is the part in italics. Will I have direct supervisory experience? Trust me after all I have been through in the last year I will ask a lot, any and all questions I have. I plan to make a list of them over the next week.

This is a good thing. Why would I go back you ask? Well it is as I told the hiring manager,

The short answer is the grass is NOT greener. I had thought I wanted to try out and work for a smaller start up company and that has just not proven a stable enough environment for me, but it has given me the opportunity to see what I was missing

What I did not say was that the benefits ROCK and there is something very real to be said for that, especially if I can get all the other ducks to line up and quack appropriately so to speak.

Opportunities

2006-03-03T08:39:00.000-08:00

Slowly I am starting to see some opportunities for changing my current job situation.

1. Company A: Large company I used to work at. Opportunity is in a different group. Pros: I know the company and they know me, better benefits, Cons: Tougher commute, not sure I want to go back to a company I have already worked at.

2. Company B: Company I interviewed with out of curiousity sake a few months after I was at my current job. Did not take the job because I had high hopes and was still in the honeymoon/not reality phase of the job I am at now. Pros: More money, more manageable client base, know the people there for the most part, better benefits. Cons: not sure, the unknowns I suppose.

3. Company C: Via a recruiter. Potential good fit. Might be slightly too technical for me. More money, better benefits, about same commute.

4. Company D: A fellow current coworker has been interviewing with this company and they have two possible openings that I would fit. I like the jobs as they are posted but I have heard things about crazy hours and stress galore working for ad agencies.

5. Possibly Company E: Recruiter said he was talking to another company very local to me about their needs and their might be a match for me there. Don't know anythign really about it.

I think company A & B would be my first options. Trying to just go with it for now until any of them want an actual interview. I am looking forward to a change from the driven pace I work now and even more than that look forward to working at a company where process insanity does not overrule all. Yes we want to do our best to keep all clients, that is the way it should be. But I want to work for a company that believes in itself enough to turn away work that is not right for them rahter than creating impossible timelines and delvierables.

The body tells the truth

2006-03-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

The body doesn't lie. However many months of stress have finally hit me hard in the form of a horrible terrible no good nasty cough, that feels like I am coughing shards of glass in my bronchial tubes. I cannot take a deep breath without going into a hacking fit. Low grade on and off fever and swollen glands.

I tried to tough it out yesterday and work but I only made it till 2:00. For me to leave work early and stay out the next day one has to know it is bad. Then there is the thing that pisses me off.

Horrible terrible no good client X has been so demanding that we have created a schedule that has not a day's room of wiggle in it. Yesterday something started to come to light, a possible problem, a fixable one but one that would need attention - I am out sick. I cannot do it.

So I leave my boss a VM asking her if she can chime in in my absence and this is what I get back:

Please try as much as you can to keep me out of the internal details of this project until ..... I am happy to jump in to solve issues with the client, but am confident that you can get through the stuff with the internal team without me.

Um yes I can when I am not out sick as a dog. I mean I know she is buried too but then we should have a process in place where there is a backup project manager for this. What I do not want is for her to cop an attitude with me. Maybe it was just email. It is hard to tell over email, but for chirstssake. It are times like this when I wish I was told by the doctor that I HAD to stay out of work for X amount of time. Then what would they do.

**Shakes head.**

Something has to give

2006-02-28T18:04:00.000-08:00

Seriously. Something has to give. It is either going to be my sanity and/or my health that give out or something has to change with my work situation.

Given the state of the company I work for right now I am not sure that the situation at work can be changed any time in the near future and I am sick of dealing with it and feeling the emotional wipe out of it.

Set boundaries and stick to them. God damn it that takes so much energy to enforce where I am it is innane. I exhaust myself just trying to keep up with the tasks that are tossed at me in a day and that is on top of many days of back to back meetings (Monday I start in meetings at 9:30 and go until 5:00 - STRAIGHT THROUGH) how am I supposed to get any actual hand holding of my overly needy clients oops I mean work done? I am killing myself to stay somewhat positive on the outside which makes me want to cry all the more on the inside. I want to yell and scream "THIS IS CRAP". I want to pull an all out temper tantrum.

I have a few options that I am starting to look at elsewhere. I know wherever I go there I am with my control issues and compulsive work tendencies but this company is breeding the most unhealthy work environment I have possibly ever been in.

Growing pains my ass.

More on the first Meeting

2006-02-25T09:42:00.000-08:00

After a some time to reflect on the first WA meeting I have some additional thoughts.

It was a frustrating experience as well. The lines that follow are my thoughts and feeling and are in no way meant to critique a program that works for so many.

After one meeting I cannot say if it will work for me or not BUT there were a few things that left me completely unsettled. I have read the Guidelines for meetings etc. But this meeting was totally geared toward people who were familiar with 12-step programs. While I understand the rationale for no cross talk I can tell my stories just as easily online. Since no one really gave (or is allowed as it seems) to give feedback other than "I can relate....launch into my own story...." it is a rather isolating experiences even though you can relate to others.

Someone mentioned to me that I would get more out of an hour call than the messages here I disagree. I don't know I just felt as if it would have been nice if there is a meeting for beginners or something.

The formality of "thank you for sharing" at the end of each story left me feeling empty and not included. Do the meetings ever include someone telling thier story and then getting suggestions or feedback.

As I write this I feel angry, disappointed and frustrated. I have so much hope that this process will work for me as it has worked for so many others. I feel adrift.

On the message board I feel supported, at the meeting, (call) I felt stuffed into a structure that was cold.

I don't know just my thoughts and none of it changes the fact that I am a workaholic and I need to address my issues.

A small sacrifice for Lent?

2006-02-25T09:34:00.000-08:00

I recently read a post from a harried workaholic that read, "

I decided to treat Sundayas a true sabbath, meaning: I didn't go to work, I didn't do housework, I did as little as possible that required anyone else to work (no shopping, Internet surfing, or paid recreation). I used the time for spiritual growth, church activities, and connecting with family and friends."

This sounds very interesting to me and on real reflection sounds very HARD to me. Not working myself sounds easy and do able. But not doing anything that requires anyone else to work? Especially Internet usage....BUT then again I have been thinking that I want to be on the computer less, want to read more, maybe do more yoga (although would going to a class count because the instructor is working? Heck even in attending church the priest is working but this is my over analytical mind in overdrive).

Lent is coming; maybe this is something for me to consider.

My name is Michelle

2006-02-23T19:07:00.000-08:00

My name is Michelle and I am a workaholic.

Tonight I attended my first Workaholic Anonomous meeting (via phone because there are no face to face meetings in my area) and I said the words aloud.

I am Michelle and I am a workaholic.

I said the words outloud for the first time ever without justifying or cushoning it in something else. I said the words and then I cried. I think I cried because just saying it outloud is letting go of the teeniest, tiniest bit of control and for me that is a very scarey thing.

I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Listening to others share their stories, hearing myself in them. Feeling odd and out of place, yet somehow comfortably right at home.

I am Michelle and I am a workaholic....and I am just starting what will be a lifelong journey of recovery.

I am not being dramatic. Those are just the facts.

2-3 One Day at at Time

2006-02-21T19:26:00.000-08:00

Here I am, newbie recovering workaholic, taking it one day at a time, some days so much better than others. Hanging out at Step 2-3 right now. I am finally realizing this is not a race or a Project Management task list with 12 items to check off. But at the same time I do not want to lose momentum.

Today was a bad day. They happen. I know. I worked a little late, got a call that a mistake (an honest one) had been made on something that had been posted for a client. Taked about how to resolve it with a co-worker on the ride home (via cell) and then took an hour or so once home to get most of it resolved.

It is weird but probably typical what I felt. I was in no way mad the mistake had been made for 2 reasons (1) with the lack of resources we are working with I know person X did the best she could and it was an honest mistake and (2) I could fix it. Great huh? I come off looking like a major hero***. Not mad, no conflict and get to be the one who resolves it (with person X's help).
My lack of being upset over the mistake really was driven from the fact that it was an honest mistake. I do not feel like I swallowed being angry to avoid conflict.

So that was today.

Lately.

My depression has been worse. So much more lethargic. It is like I am on auto pilot to get through the day/week at work and only really come alive on weekends (now that I have finally gotten past checking in on weekends).

Put a few resumes out there as feelers more than anything else this past weekend. Not sure what I will do if someone calls me.

So here I am. One day at a time.

*** It is interesting going back and re-reading this. I don't ever think consciously that I want to look like the hero, but I do know that consciously I do not want to look like the failure. I make msitakes and I admit them freely, especially at work. So...I am not sure where this comment came from. Thought about deleting it but thought why? So I left it.

mouse cupcake

2006-02-21T12:53:00.000-08:00

mouse cupcake
Originally uploaded by fondofelves.

Sometimes my friends crack themselves up as much as they can crack me up. LOL. I am now testing out this "post a blog from flickr" option. I finally figured out how to get it to work! Whoot!

The bratty me list

2006-02-20T13:20:00.000-08:00

This is my bratty me list. A list of things I want but that are not in my budget:

1. New spring/summer clothes: speicfically some capri pants, sweater sets, tee shirts, some summer shoes, shorts - mostly stuff I can wear to work in a very casual but not flip flop and shorts environment. Just let me loose with LL Bean , The Gap Outlet, and Zappos (I will get some of this eventually)
2. An iPod
3. A vacation some where great in July for our 5th anniversary
4. A facial - oh hell just give me a day at the spa (maincure, pedicure, brow wax, facial, massage, hair cut and color)
6. A new toaster oven
7. A new dish drain
8. A watch I love

Yeah so that's that. What I want but what I can't afford. I will survive.

Cozy warm and (______) you fill in the blank

2006-02-19T18:33:00.000-08:00

Sunday night with tomorrow off for President's Day. That makes me happy. I am sitting her with my feet on the space heater and two candles going. That makes me happy. Sometimes it really are the little things.

I have posted a lot here about work related boundaries and stress and uncertainties and I suspect there will be a lot more to come. I have started commenting on and posting on a message board for workaholics. I KNOW how crazy that sounds. But it has helped so much to see my patterns in other and message with people who KNOW the insanity that I talk about and feel.

Right now it is about working workable for me where I am. Is this the right job for me long term? I am not sure and I am working on figuring that out. The one thing I do know is that I will not jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. Any change that I even consider making has to be well thought out.

Somedays - really lately overall - I have felt more depressed - I know I am doing better at setting boundaries at work and sticking to them but the job I do week in and week out....well I just wonder about it. When I have to always be "giving in" to client demands so as not to lose clients possibly, that does not feel good to me. Honoring our contract would feel good to me, holding the client accountable would feel good to me. Respecting the work we do as a company would feel good. Getting paid for extra work and getting time for extra work would feel good to me.

Staying up beat, being productive and caring is hard when the things I mention above are not happening and when moral of staff overall is dropping. I know I cannot change certain things, only how I react/respond to them, but that is draining me right now.

W.C.N.C.A.B.

2006-02-18T17:30:00.000-08:00

We.
Can.
Never.
Catch.
A.
Break.

This year we owe the IRS. Last month it was cathing up from Christmas. The month before a new muffler on my car. Forget about Christmas, even keeping it small was more than we should have done.

I am aggrevated tonight that this area of my life - finances - is such a royal pain in my ass. I just want to be secure finanically and we are taking steps to get there.

I know there are so many people suffering so much more than me in the world - this is not about that - this is about me being pissed off that we owed taxes this year. It was simply because as married 30- somethings - we basically either have a kid we are not ready for - or buy a house we cannot afford in order to have deductions. Thank god for my student loans (no kidding) they are my only deduction - well that and my 401K - which if worked for a company that had 401K when I started I would have been contirubuting and thus would not have owed so much.

I know I should look forward and chant "it will all work out...it will all work out" and be and adult and be logical about it but screw it. I am an adult and I am pissed about it and wanted to vent.

You can move along now.

A recap.

2006-02-14T18:11:00.000-08:00

It seems like everytime I have a really bad day that leaves me going to bed in tears, I have a not so bad day that follows. They aren't always great days or even good days that follow but they are days that let me come home, do what I want, not feel all consumed by work and NOT go to bed crying.

Not that anyone is reading this blog but you probably have caught on that I am trying to work through quite a bit of stuff these days. Realizing, setting and sticking to boundaries, especially at work. Dealing with working in a challenging work environment right now with 2 of my 4 clients making me tense, anxious and insane on any given day. Struggling with what control is and how I use it and need to let go of its ellusive grips. So I have a lot going on in my little head and life.

I used to want all kinds of comments on all of this but now that so many of my "real world" (as opposed to internet only) friends read my other blog I found myself limiting too much. I also found that I am becoming increasingly annyoed at well intended but trite sounding comments. I know that makes me sound like an unappreciative bitch. I am not. I just need some space.

In fact space is something I have been taking quite a bit of. Work, home, dog and husband time, alone time. Once a week maybe toss in a friend social event and it is working for me right now.

Thing is, it takes people by surprise. Not like me. Well I need to get back to me, find me identify me. I need to recover. From what? From everything. From life the last 3-4 months. My life is not tragic and many have it worse but I am worse for the wear of my own life these past months and I need to recover and move forward in a more positive way.

To that end I have started frequenting the Workaholics Anon message board. There are no meetings in my area. They do have phone calls but I am not "there" yet. It was weird for me to think that this might be a group I could identify with but DAMN have I been shocked at how much I have been able to identify with them.

Right now I am reading "Chained to the Desk: A guidebook for Workaholics.....by Bryan Robinson and much of it is resonating with me.

The good the bad the ugly it is what it is and I am where I am . Touche.

The Cancelled Appointment Part II

2006-02-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

As I think more about the day I think that I not only canceled my therapy appointment to do work but I also used work as an excuse to cancel it because I didn't feel like talking today. Today I felt like talking would have taken too much energy.

Getting a convenient therapy appointment (aka 5:30 or later) is about as possible as getting fish to fly. At least with a good therapist.

I sure could have made a to do list and left it till tomorrow; I feel like everything is about to shit the bed anyway on two of my projects and I have done all I can so why push myself even more? I am probably projecting here about how badly the projects will crash but in part I am hoping they do. I have given all I have to give to each of them.

I would like to think I am not beating myself up beause I know it will do me no good but honestly I am too tired/depressed to care.

But a friend was right in saying I did not get as much of an adrenaline hit off of cancelling my appointment for work. I just felt kind of numb. God I feel like such a DOWNER these days. Crying comes too easily.

I feel like I need to do so much:
Need to make an appointment with my med doc because she knows me better than the latest therapist
Need to evaluate if I really like the new therapist
Need to decide if I can really afford the 15 week CBT program I am enrolled in starting in April. Need to decide if I have it in me to fight the insurance to see if they will cover it
Need to get my blood sugars under better control seems they are too high or too low lately (I am type II diabetic).

I feel like everything is so out of control. I just want it to be easier damn it. It sounds so childish but I just want to be taken care of just for a bit.

BLLLLLAAAAHHHHH Sorry I had to vent, yet I feel guilty doing it.

I think I will go lose myself in a TV show.

Grumble Grumble Grumble

2006-02-13T19:27:00.000-08:00

Today I feel like a flop. I am know I am not but I feel that way.

1 semi hostile definitely condescending client call
1 client that just never gets it and leaves me banging my head against the wall
2 clients that get it and are great to work with who never get enough of my attention because I a too busy dealing with the first two
2 internal teams that are in desperate need of motivation because the first two clients are making everyone feel challenged

Just generally feeling unsuccessful and crappy about my job today. I am wondering how much of it is THE JOB versus how much of it is me taking it too personally?

How do I tell if THE JOB/ENVIRONMENT/PROCESSES are bad or if it is just me?

How long do I hang on to figure it out?

The Cancelled Appointment

2006-02-13T17:43:00.000-08:00

I have felt like I have been making baby steps forward until today.

I will skip the story for now and get right to the point.

I knowingly cancelled my therapy appointment at the last minute to work.

sigh.

Today as I posted, I had two meetings of difficult client interactions. I handled them both without immediate panic, but when they were over I started to get that feeling that I had to "do" something to fix what could be the start of a downfall in both cases.

So now not only am I disappointed in myself, but I owe the therapist for the appointment.

And the reality? Nothing I did during the time I would have been at therapy will make any difference in the outcome.

So not such a good day. But I am too tired to care much. Felt like I had to post it to keep me honest.

A seedling of the beginning of change

2006-02-12T09:18:00.000-08:00

Reflecting on a event from last week. I realized something here must be working for me (no pun intended). I know that much of my workaholic tendencies come from wanting to control everything, and becoming an emotional wreck when something happens out of my control, expecially around money.

Last week I filed our taxes. Every year until now I have gotten something back. This year we owed. A lot. Well enough that we have toput our monthly savings for a home on hold and have that money go toUncle Sam (grumble).

I didn't flinch. When our tax advisor told me I started to feel the panic coming, then some how, some way I thought, "there is not a damn thing I can do about it, I am not going to freak out." And I didn't. I simply told Mr. Tax advisor that I hope Uncle Sam had a payment plan cause I cannot pay what I do not have. He does, so forthe next 12 months we pay.

For the two days following finding this out, my husband kept asking me, "Are you ok?" It made me laugh. At one point he even told me he was proud of how I was handling this all. That made think, "gee I must be pretty bad normally, if being OK this time is having so much impact."I can't tell you why, maybe I am starting to "get it".

I am slowly seeing similar patters at work - where I feel it inside that I have to panic and fix it and stay late and such and I don't. I am still working a little later than I would like but at least I am LEAVING it AT work when I do leave. Right now I am checking in with the WA boards daily, seeing my therapist, reading a good book , "Chained to the Desk" by Bryan Robinson, and breathing deep.

Childhood development and anxiety

2006-02-06T17:53:00.000-08:00

An email reply from a internet support and friend. These are HER comments below.

From my work with C, I can tell you that sometimes we (or our parents) get 'distracted' from our developmental lessons in childhood and that can be thesource of the wound. It is distinctly possible that your illness caused you to miss out on some essential childhood development stage and you are now experiencing the consequences.

As always, take what you need, leave the rest.

INFANT STAGE (Birth to 18 months of age) Developmental Task in Childhood is to learn how to trust, to bond, to experience safety. Interaction is based on mirrored reaction and feedback from outside world- this exchange enables the individual to take form... to develop an identity and an ego. The process takes approximately 18 months before solid form is established.

TODDLER STAGE (18 to 36 months of age) Developmental Task in Childhood is to learn about boundaries and limitationsbetween self and others, self and environment... to begin to deal with thetension of saying No and hearing No and to learn how to cope emotionally whenexperiencing boundaries.

THREE-TO-SIX YEAR-OLD STAGE (Young Inner Child)Developmental Task in Childhood is to learn how to negotiate between good andbad, right and wrong, positive and negative aspects of self. Most havedeveloped the cognitive ability to determine what is acceptable and what is notacceptable. You begin to make choices accordingly... you begin to compromisewho you are in an attempt to avoid risking the loss of rejection or abandonment.This is the origin of shame and blame.

GRADE-SCHOOL SELF (6 to 12 years of age)Developmental Task in Childhood is to fit in with peers. We go away to schoolfor first time and represent our family in outside world for the first time. Itbecomes important to be the same as others and to fit in. to not be excluded.We are also introduced to task completion and confront the need to excel in somearea of interest.

YOUNG INNER TEEN (12 to 15 years of age) Developmental Task in Childhood is to get comfortable with discomfort... toreconcile our experience of being self-consciousness and to buildself-confidence within a peer structure in which we can own who we truly are.

ADOLESCENT (15 to 17 years of age) Developmental Task in Childhood is to carve out a definition of self. This isoften done somewhat rebelliously because it involves a breaking away from theold system and the old definition experienced in our family. ".To be differentmeans to be separate..." Our task is to achieve individuality and to feelcomfortable with a sense of self as one as we prepare to go into the adultworld.

YOUNG INNER ADULT (17 to 21 years of age)Developmental Lesson in Childhood is to successfully move into the adult worldwith all of the skills necessary to be a mature and emotionally well-balanced individual.

She TOLD me

2006-02-03T17:50:00.000-08:00

It is amazing what 24 hours can teach you right? At the end of the day today my boss and I had a long conversation.

I called her about something else (she works from her home office Friday)and she said she was just typing an email to me (why she didn't call I have no idea). She said that she wanted to let me know that she heard me yesterday when I talked to her and that she understands and wanted to talk to me about it because she sees me struggling and thinks there are places I am making it harder on myself than I need to.

After praising me in a very genuine and compassionate manner. SHE TOLD ME what she did not understand is that I say I am overwhelmed but then she gets emails from me at all hours of the night and on weekends? SHE TOLD ME "that is not something I expect from any of my PMs on a consistent basis. Maybe once in awhile here or there" SHE TOLD ME that there was no need for me to jump every single time the client said jump, and that if I need to save all my client emails and reply a only a few times a day, say at 10, 2, and 4 then dothat. SHE TOLD ME that if I needed a day off from that specific project to give her a little head's up and someone can cover for me so I can do my other work. SHE TOLD ME that if I need to take a day off take it off but 'for god sake' don't check in. SHE TOLD me she thinks I am doing a fabulous job.

I practically cried because I felt like I had been heard and I felt like she meant it - she is one that says what she means and means what she says. She has a reputation for being a fair and reasonable but tough cookie and if she is upset with someone they know it. Which is a good thing.I told her that I appreciated her taking the time to have this conversation with me. I told her that I respected her a lot and in many ways look to her as a mentor but that in some ways I know I will never be able to get to her point. I said, "I will never be able to keep up with your hours and the commitment to work you put in"

She said that she does not want ANY of the PMs that work for her to think that they have to model after that. She politely said the obvious, "I am at the VP level and I get compensated differently than you do (meaning she makes a lot more)and my role has different paramaters than your's. You should not be trying to keep up and match the amount of work I do."What struck me as she was talking to me, and what strikes me again now (which is why I used caps in writing SHE TOLD ME) is that it made me see that it IS ME who is putting this extra pressure on myself. I am not a slacker and doubt I ever could be, but maybe, just maybe hearing that I had permission to work normal hours will help. What every one is doing around me (overworking and melting down) does not have to be what I do, because she said it was ok to leave at 5-6 and be done with work. I know that I should be able to do all this for myself and not need to hear "permission" but I don't know it made me feel lighter.

I think I need to know what I want and then actually as for it

2006-02-02T17:48:00.000-08:00

I want to write about an interaction I had with my boss and see what people's thoughts were.I have client X - a nightmare. About 6 weeks ago I sat in my boss' office in tears telling her I cannot do it anymore on this project.

The stress is affecting my health, my relationship with my husband everything. She said to me, "do you want me to take you off this project". I said no at the time. A the time I thought "come on it WOULD be somewhat of career suicide right?" We talked about how it could get better and while I doubted it I decided to give it a chance.Guess what? It has not changed.I have been struggling with whether or not to talk to her and tell her that I do want off the project. So this morning I go into her office to say this and instead I say, "look I need you to know I am teetering on the fence about asking you to take me off the project." I go into all the same reasons I gave before etc. She coutners with "there are no guarantees that my next client will be easier etc." I tell her Ihave been in this field for 8-10 years and only 1-2 other times has a client made me feel this way (when I say client I mean project it is not one specific person causing the problem it is the dynamic of the process and project - as well as some of the clienty people).She stands there and stares at me. So I feel compelled to keep talking. She says she needs to process this and keeps staring at me.

This is where I mess up. Instead of saying "OK let me know what we can do about it" I say, "I am not expecting an answer from you but as my boss I think you need to know where I stand and where I am in my mind."Yeah nice how is she supposed to know when I don't. 1. I did not tell her I wanted off the project I told her I was tettering on wanting to be taken off the project
2. I said, "I am not expecting an answer from you but as my boss I think you need to know where I stand and where I am in my mind." It is a cycle, I know this and I am ok again today and feel like I can wait and see if she has any follow up response to our conversation. We had a separate meeting later in the day and it was fine (we do work well together) but what do I do when I feel like I am going to flip my s**t again. Do I go in and say I want to be taken off this project?I feel like I am not hearty. There is so much more I could add about the environment and other employees but I am exhausted.

**********************update 2/4/2006********************
To answer why I did this I guess (and it is a guess I suppose)the answer might be fear. Fear of failure, fear of being viewed as lesser/unable. Fear of being that one that made her job harder. I have been noodling around this thought lately that I have a fear of failure whatever that might be. The hard part for me is I am not sure what failure is for me or how I define it. If it is less than perfection I am never going to meet it but yet would I still be afraid I know this?So it was a good conversation that paved the way for me to be successful in working the steps. I have the "permission" so now my workaholic bouts are mine to own. Right? Seems so simple to say.

Who am I?

2006-02-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

Who am I?" Good question for me to ponder.

One I know I do not know the answer to right now. I know what roles I play; wife, daughter, friend, project manager...but who I am, what are my passions and what inspires me is something that eludes me at the point I am at now.

In some instances I don't think that I have passions right now I am so clouded in where I am. My passions and inspirations are buried or maybe buried and misguided.

Lots to keep thinking about, which at this moment feels like a huge step toward step 1 for me.
No one mentioned there might be PRE steps? *smiles*

Making Progress at a slug's pace

2006-01-30T15:05:00.000-08:00

It has taken awhile but I think I am starting to make some headway with my therapist. I think I am getting her to understand that I can't just come for an hour each week and talk; that I need to have an action item to take away for the week.

We started to brainstorm a list of things that I can do to cope/manage work stressors better and have more of a life. *Yes it is always nice to hear your therapist basically imply that you don't have a life or at least a fulfilling life outside of work* Truth hurts sometimes.

Goal #1 for this week is: Except for Mondays I will not check my work email after 6:00 or on weekends. Yeah I know SOUNDS simple huh? Mondays are different because I leave 2 hours early to see her so I do have to check in for billability project hour accountment. (I do not want to have to use 2 hours of vacation time each week).

I know this sounds silly but knowing I am accountable (for now to her hopefully at some point to myself) for achieving this makes it seem more doable. We still need to address the constant need to feel like I am succeeding whether it is at work or by reaching these goals with her. But she says for now it is a step and she liked that I told her what I needed.

The ouch factor is that while she is not pushing it now she is pretty sure that there are emotions that I am supressing by keeping constantly (overly) busy. One step at a time, at least for now I feel like I had a good session with her.

Do I love what I do for work?

2006-01-26T15:03:00.000-08:00

Someone recently asked in my comments, "Do I really like what I do for a living?"

Iguess the immediate answer is not really. I like a lot of things about my job: the people I work with, the creativity of the company I work for etc. but there are many things I do not like about my job/the type of work I do and the scales tip constantly. Most recently they have been tipping on the negative side. All the postitives are still there strong as ever but the negatives have been getting harder to handle.

I started my main venture into being a Project Manager in a software/internet field at a large company that paid well. I happened to be in a department with great managers who because they were great and because it the economy was doing well at that time, were able to give very nice annual raises. This happend for at least 3 of the 5 years I was there.

So I built up a nice salary. I have changed jobs since then but have stayed in the same field. If I were to choose to do something else at this point it would mean a salary cut, and would probably require additional education. I would want to explore working with animals (not a vet necessarily but a vet tech or somethign else) or a psychologist maybe (although it would probably be best to figure myself out first. The other think I would like to do is work in a bookstore with books and customers not on the management side.

I know that the last one sounds so simplistic but it is something that interests me. I have also considered massage therapy. As I said all would require more schooling and significant decrease in salary.

Thus my quandry. At the current my husband and I have 2 car loans, 2 student loans, and a consolidation loan on top of all our monthly bills. We are doing OK and managing to put a very little amount each way as we try to save bit by bit for a house.

I guess the short answer is "if money were not such a concern for us now, I would probably attempt to go back to school or change careers". I know you cannot live for money and you have to find happiness from the inside but you certainly cannot live in this world without money and I have obligations financially that I have to take care of.

So, for now the only job move I could make would be one that is at least a lateral financial move.

Working More on Working Less

2006-01-25T15:02:00.000-08:00

Monday was a good day coming back to work after being out at week went well, I met my boundary of leaving between 5-6: I actually left at 5:00 sharp. Stress was more anticipated than actual.

Tuesday, stress level still OK a bit heightened due to a meeting with a challenging client. Again stress over the meeting was more anticipated than actual. Could have gone home after the meeting but would have needed to check email since meeting was from 2-5. Decided I would rather "do work from work" so worked until 6:00. Did no work from home.

Wednesday, things start to slide. 1,000 little and not so little things on my plate, my boss says she needs to pull back from being the co-project mananager of the challenging client. I start to panic, but think oh well, what happens happens and if the sh*t hits the fan again she will have to be pulled back in (felt good about not totally reacting to this with immediate panic). Afternoon was all meetings, each meeting generating work that I did not have time to do because of more meetings (meetings can be such a waste of time). Got out of my last meeting at 5:00 and "had" to stay and wrap some stuff up because I am traveling the next two days. I did not leave until 6:45. Sigh NOT the pattern I want to be in but I guess I have to accept it is necessary SOMETIMES. Where is the sometimes line will someone please tell me?

I have not felt acute anxiety this week but rather underlying anxiety - I know its there and it makes me nervous when it might come out full force.

I did talk to a woman at this great CBT program offered at one of local large universities via their psychology dept. It is their Center for Anxiety and Panic Disorders and they offer a 15 week CBT program. It seems I will qualify. The downsides: I can't get "in" until April and it is $70 a week for 15 weeks (ouch) but I am worth it and maybe I can save between now and April.

8:00 PM and I am done with work and thinking about work and thinking about how I think about work too much. Going to do something mind numbing (online scrabble) while I wait for my laundry to finish.

If my running could be exercise

2005-12-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

If I could categorize my running as exercise I would have the potential to be a world class athlete. Keeping busy at all costs. Drown out the anxiety. Don't worry; clean something. Don't worry; make a list. Don't worry.
I look at the photo of the person on the right (if it is still the photo of me when anyone reads this) and I see light in my eyes and a genuine smile. I want that BACK!

Where did this come back from all of a sudden this need to deep breathe to get enough air in my lungs. The ability to RELATE to sorrow in songs instead of say, "glad that's not me". I am happy for all I have and count my blessings for my life but I want the happier me back. Where are you?

Since my last post today - I scoured the back hall. Why the back hall? It seemed manageable, the last thing I need is feeling like I started and did not compelte something. So I have a clean back hall.

I have to confess I also did three small things for work as well. I can't help it I have already admitted that. We'll see what the therapist says tomorrow. I have to see what the "plan" is because I am not feeling a lot of guidance from her; she is more a chit chatty therapist it seems and I can get that from my friends. I have also looked into a Anixety CBT therapist practice. I am sure that won't come cheap but at this point I am willing to make sacrifices in other areas to get back to "me" again.

See I can sound all proactive and positive ... really I think I will go cry now.

Before The Crash

2005-12-05T14:56:00.000-08:00

It's hard to breathe these days. I am keeping it all at bay but I know I have to act soon or I will completely fall. I have anxiety and I am compulsive about work. It is at a point where I need to change. I KNOW I need to change but I don't know HOW. I need to make it happen, I need to find someone that can help me with the how because I am headed for some serious meltdown soon.

It's worse than normal. I can feel it in myself. It has been the worst the last 3 months ever since my new job (July) kicked into over drive. I have to learn to say, "no" I have to learn to "leave it at the office", to set boundaries, to not care so much. See I know what I need to do, but saying "just leave at 5 what you don't get done you don't get done" to me is like saying, "just don't have another drink, to a an alcoholic. Seriously I am not being melodramatic, it has gotten that bad. How I feel right now scares me and I do not like it. I have doubled my meds in two months. I wake up thinking about work. I go to bed thinking about work. I hate work. More specifically I hate that I work in an office where everyone over works, everyone complains, but everyone does it.

Things need to change. That I know for certain. How they are going to I am not quite sure yet. I am going to be using this blog to write a lot about this. My fancy (own url) blog is just ready by too many friends and people who think I just need to, "make work less of an obsession."

I wish it were that easy.